Wednesday 31 October 2012

Radio: Hark At The Racket


Monty Fanshawe is determined to forget the recent brass band controversy caused by Mason Maudsley and Maudsley Mason at the recent Marston Moor Contest and offers a trip down memory lane this Friday 9.30pm on Diggle FM.

March: The Spanish Galleon [Jusebio Cloudcheater Band]
I May Go That Way [Leightonstone Limeworks Band]
Ignore My Pleasures [The Band of the Torquay Troubadors - soloist Katie Hornbald]
Gracefully Sliding [Shop on Line Band]
My Mouth Will Accept Thee [Dartmoor Outward Bound Band: soloist Annie Ouisterbeek]
Majesty of the Florence Cathedral [Massed Bands of the Cumbrian Regiment]

Rotherham Recluse Strikes At Marston Moor

The Marston Moor Contest has become infamous for the debate surrounding what Mason Maudsley and Maudsley Mason might have done, but it is set to go up a whole new level as the South Yorkshire Constabulary confirm exclusively to the Bandstand that they fear the Rotherham Recluse may have struck again.

Gemma Hardacre, 14-year-old cornet laiker with the Dante Pizza Deliveries Band said, "A man answering the description that we had all been warned about offered to buy me a drink. Whilst we were waiting he turned round and tried to insert his hand into my cherry grove. I tried to fight him off but he insisted and it was only when my friends rolled up that he ran off."

15-year-old Beyonce Clunge of the Satanic Rites Junior Band said, "I knew he was the man we had been warned about, he took me outside and tried to do something to me against a wheelie bin. If my rape alarm hadn't have gone off I dread to think what might of happened!"

DCI Kestrel Whippet of the South Yorkshire Constabulary said, "The Rotherham Recluse has now struck at several band contests. What we forgot was that this was a band contest so we had nobody on duty. However, the Rotherham Recluse is now also being hunted for:-

Willingly trying to force upon a minor his hands within her pantyhose with malice aforethought to pop a finger or two into her minge.

Darkness of thought with which to lure a minor outside and try to self-gratify himself whilst making a beastly pre-conceived effort to strangle her afterwards".

The hunt continues

Saturday 27 October 2012

Professional Cards - Puntlins

The impending release of the Puntlins Holiday Camps Contest at Frogmorton-on-Sea in January-ish next year has drawn several band slappers out of the doldrums. They are now professionally touting their wares in the hope of meeting a professional footballer. Here is the pick of the bunch as selected by the Bandstand:-

Gemma Slipway - currently laiks 2nd cornet with the Trodbed Village Band, who will be competing in the 5th section. Likes it up the fanny but not so much up the arse, might piss on you if you ask her whilst you're lying in the bath and will generally put anything in her mouth if you buy her a couple of alcopops.

Lucy Brixton-Hughes - the well-known flugel player with the Montsegnior Reserves Band is anybody's once the nightclub gets going. Famous for once shitting onto the chest of Gary Barben from the Emley Potatoe Works Band when they shared a chalet last year when she was just nobbut underage. Well-known for falling asleep when she's had too many and been dragged outside and sexually assaulted up the vagina or the tradesmans whilst she is being physically sick.

Courtney Muffins - the Warrington chav once endured a four-way bukkake gang bang with members of the Tuppery & Sneedsdale Band (the currently reigning Flingthorpe Open Champions). She is hoping for a candlelit meal at the local Nando's with an accountant or a solicitor but, failing that, she will be up for poking in every hole and the resultant fluids dribbling upon her person.

Bandstand predictions:-

(1) Lucy Brixton-Hughes - her reputation precedes her, she should nail this one to the mast. If she performs as she has in the past then she should truly blossom.

(2) Courtney Muffins - proved last year she has no morals, this could be her year but we think runner up. Dirty as anything on earth but, on paper, not in the same league as Brixton-Hughes,

(3) Gemma Slipway - the newcomer may struggle, but she will stagger into the nightclub with hair extensions and her tits half-hanging out of her top.

Dark Horse - Elsie Brabinger of the Seaton Chemicals Band. Maybe the old girl could still win this one? She has false teeth she can take out, these other girls don't.

It should be a cracking contest!

MBBF offer olive branch

The MBBF (Meaningless Brass Band Forum) have offered an olive branch to Mason Maudsley and Maudsley Mason after the Marston Dam Entertainment Contest absolutely awful and disgusting event fiasco.

The currently well-in-the-doghouse brass band pair have been offered a chance to dig themselves out of the hole that brass band forums and local councils have created for them by towing the line and taking it on the chin.

MBBF spokesman Norman Chancer told the Bandstand, "I think we all know that what those two did at the Marston Moor Entertainment Contest was wrong. I'm not saying for definite it was wrong, because that could open up a legal argument, all I'm saying is we all think it was wrong. Looking at various brass band forums, I think that we have all decided that, whether we were there to see it or not, we mostly think it was wrong".

"To be honest the Council turned the screw. These two fucked up and we could of left it at that but the Council pushed us to go for the jugular. So we are offering Mason Maudsley and Maudsley Mason a free course on modern day brass band programming. They can spend a week with up and coming young composers explaining to them how the days of the old-school brass band programme are gone and now is the future of modern-day composers who have just come out of university and have had Sibelius installed on their televisions."

The Bandstand understands that if Mason and Maudsley fail to accept the MBBF offer then they will face a 12 month ban from something or other. This will include the cancellation of any subscription they may hold to the quarterly newsletter of the MBBF entitled, "The Traditional Brass Bander".

Cudley calls for an end to "titles"


Eldridge Cudley, the 74-year-old octogenarian who once laiked ten years uninterrupted on top chair with the Claudsmere Carsonegenic Fumes Band in the 1950's-ish and who is now living out his banding retirement in Florida, has called for an end to what he calls brass band "titles".

Cudley, 74, said, "What is it with modern day brass bandsmen and their self-indulgent pats on the back? In my day a doctor would fix your body if it was fucked. He wouldn't stand in front of a band waving a baton about and charge a lot of money for the privilege. A clinician would sort your Prince Albert out for you if you'd copped sex off of a dodgy bird who'd rolled up on a trolley bus from the wrong part of town after a contest and gave you trenchfoot in your bell end!"

"In my day we did a 14-hour shift in the carcenogenic fumes testing booths then went straight to a band rehearsal, not with a doctor or clinician, just with someone who was slightly better at music than us and whose family owned a top hat".

"Young 'uns today, who incidentally have no respect, now fanny about at university all day under a clinician and then go to rehearsal on an evening to be conducted by a doctor. It's an absolute charade!"

"These modern-day 'titled' people haven't survived years of industrial hard labour whilst finding time to conduct a senior and junior band for fuck all whilst coughing up industrial waste, they've just turned up at an over-inflated degree ceremony, wore a funny hat and collected a bit of paper".

"It's a sham, it should be stopped".

Sunday 21 October 2012

Radio: Hark at the Racket!


Monty Fanshawe has announced an absolute treat for simple-minded people who will stay in on a Friday night to listen to brass band shit. This week at 9.30 on Diggle FM you can hear:-

Pop Mi Fancy [The Random Stats Band]
Overture: Die Kleinshoffer [Cunt-tickle Bananas Band]
Maureen Spread Your Vagina [Tresford Toasters Band - soloist Katie Pledge]
Tickle My Whatnots [The Band of the Manual Labouers]
I Will Swallow [St. Minions Band - soloist Jenny Legrande]
Take Me Gently Midst the Snowdrops [The Barnsley Holiday Inn Band]

Friday 19 October 2012

MBBF Mailbag Bulging

An ill-advised mistake followed by an unreserved apology might have been the end of it, but it gets us heavy site traffic so we whipped it up into a frenzy and your mailbag suggests you are up for a bit of holier-than-thou ranting too! Here's the pick of last month's mailbag!

That whole do at the Marston Moor Entertainment Contest was disgusting. I wasn't there, so I don't really know, but, thanks to the way the Bandstand has reported it, I have a fair idea that whatever it was is, or was, disgusting!

Mavis Cumbucket
Ontry-St-Marys
 
I don't wish to influence the forthcoming MBBF meeting because they will make their own minds up, however, they will probably read all this stuff too in order to guage our reactions. So I say they should both be banned, possibly for life! Or maybe a long time....
Cecil Cripps
Darley Dale
 
What Messrs Mason and Maudsley seem to have failed to understand, quite blatantly because they are obviously of lower intelligence than us, is that there are so many of us prepared to jump on this particular bandwagon that they will be hounded to the corners of the earth.
The Bishop of Lydgate
 
I wasn't there so don't want to comment. However, I have heard all sorts of rumours and feel it my duty as a proper, politically-correct member of the brass band movement to express my absolute disgust at what these people, Maudsley and Mason, have done.
Marjorie Nose-Poker-Inner
Bumsex-on-Sea
 
Perhaps Messrs Maudsley and Mason should remember that in the times when brass bands launched old-fashioned programmes involving march, overture, cornet solo, etc. it was also at a time when the slave trade was prevolent (I know 'cos I just wiki-googled it!). Perhaps Maudsley and Mason could explain that to the descendents of those slaves! Frankly I doubt it because they are obviously of lower intelligence than me!
Marlon Strasbourg
Heyrod
 
I wasn't there so I don't want to comment, but I will do anyway. In fact, someone else who wasn't there told me that he'd heard that Mason Maudsley walked out of the hall and straight past a guy in a wheelchair. That's right! Straight past him! Apparently he never even stopped to ask if the guy was okay living with his disability or if he wanted his chin wiping or if he wanted wheeling somewhere. That sort of ignorance has no place in the banding movement.
 Letitia Crayon
Middle Whinging
 
 

Bon Chance to the happy couple!


Two members of the Bon Chance (Kilmarnock) Band tied the knot on Tuesday. Soprano cornet player Murdo McDougall married BBb bass laiker Morag McDonald at a lavish ceremony at the Blood Stained Claymore Inn & Restaurant, Ficclemechan (now open for unreligious wedding ceremonies tel. 012822 637882).

The reception was held at the Kilmarnock Shit Shovellers Club and involved a short concert from the Bon Chance Band in the smoking area before the heavy drinking and fighting commenced.

MBBF To Meet Over Marston Dam

The Meaningless Brass Band Forum have announced that they are to hold an extraordinary general meeting about the incident at the Marston Dam Entertainment Contest.

We had feared that an unreserved apology from those concerned would bring an end to the matter, but, to our ongoing delight, it seems the story is set to run and run.

MBBF spokesman Elsie Taplady said, "We will be holding a meeting on Monday night at a top secret location somewhere on the outskirts of Barnsley to discuss the actions of MBBF members Mason Maudsley and Maudsley Mason at the recent Marston Dam Entertainment Contest".

"We will then report our findings to a new committee that we have formed and have decided to call the 'Executive Committee' for dramatic effect. They will probably meet later that day, or on Wednesday, or later in the week, and someone will make a decision some time after that".

Someone we met at a contest last weekend gave us what they thought was Mason Maudsley's mobile number but he won't pick up when we ring. Meanwhile, the Bandstand understands that Maudsley Mason is currently on a caravanning holiday somewhere in the Lincolnshire wolds.

Friday 12 October 2012

Unreserved Apology From Mason and Maudsley

Mason Maudsley and Maudsley Mason have issued the Ainley Top Bandstand with an unreserved apology for the major fuck up at the Marston Dam Contst.

Mason said, "We offer an unreserved apology for any offence caused. We now realise that serving up an entertainment programme in an outdated format may have caused offence to some".

The incident was reported to officials by adjudicator Troy Waters, who told the Bandstand, "I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They delivered a march, overture, cornet solo, potboiler and then a faster, higher, louder finisher. It was like brass banding was stuck in the dark ages. I could see some members of the audience were visibly upset".

Maudsley Mason was apparently heard to say, "If I upset anybody today then I couldn't give a flying fuck".

The politically incorrect hot potatoe could run and run. Certainly it has sent our viewing figures through the roof so we will definitely not let it lie.

Thursday 11 October 2012

Marston Dam Disaster!

Something terrible happened at the recent Marston Dam Entertainment Contest this last coming Sunday!

A brass band has been reported for playing an old programme.

Apparently, the band involved, who we are only too happy to announce as the Retford Red Wine Band, delivered an out-of-date programme.

The two people involved, Maudly Mason (musical director) and Mason Maudly (flugel horn), have announced an unresreved apology even before we announce what they are apologising for.

One member of the audience, who we had whipped up into a frenzy, said "Their programme was so old fashioned, so out of date. I heard a march, overture then a cornet solo. Those days are gone".

Another disgruntled visitor said, "They were up on stage openly flaunting old brass band music. It was shocking! To follow a march with an overture and then, clearly without thinking, a cornet solo, leaves a bad taste in the mouth!"

Lampstand to take Pont-du-Clare!


Well known up-and-coming musical director Laughton Lampstand is now taking the Pont-du-Clare Band at the National Final at Crouch End, London.

Lampstand told the Bandstand, "Since being appointed Professor of Sackbutt with the Ministry of Defence I have never looked back. To be associated with a band like Pont-du-Clare is a dream come true. They are a hard working band and to perform with them at the Royal Palace Theatre, Crouch End, will be amazing".

Asked if they will be opening their doors ahead of the contest, Lampstand said, "No, we will keep it all under wraps!"

Emley Open Doors For Crouch End

Yorkshire powerhouse Emley Potatoe Works Band is opening its doors ahead of the forthcoming National Championship at the Royal Palace Theatre, Crouch End, in London.

The band finished fourth at the Barnsley Area using their "B" Band, but thankfully had pre-qualified so it didn't matter. Band Chairman Derek Oldfield said, "We knew we would be in London anyway so we thought we'd save some cash and treat the Barnsley Area with lamentable contempt. However, come London, it will be all whistles and bells again, the cheque book will be open, we'll be flying people in from all over the country and perhaps Europe".

"This is a chance to see some of them (excluding those who will be arriving in London the night before the contest) in action in the famous old bandroom. The piece won't be ready and many of those who will be on stage can't make it yet, but it will still be in the famous old bandroom!"

The doors open at 7.00pm next Thursday at the famous old bandroom. To be honest, if you don't know where it is, you shouldn't be going.

Sunday 7 October 2012

Radio: Hark At The Racket


Monty Fanshawe will ejaculate more brass banding speculutum into your ear at 9.30pm this Friday on Diggle FM:-

Shouty Shouty Bum Bum [Torbay Symfonia]
The Torn Panties [Dempsey & Makepeace Band]
Vaginal Abuse [Pertly Pumpkins Band - soloist Laymore Luddington]
Disconstructed Interlude [Brass Band de Voouirsklippel Oumkerk]
Shitty Whispers [Weighbridge Wallpapers Band]
Finger Me Under The Lamplight [Ottery St. Nigel Band - soloist Kelly Staples]
Apple Blossom Rape [The Ethel Weston Big Band]

Government Apologises For Registry Fuck Up


The Government have finally, today, apologised for the complete fuck up over the Banding Registry.

Government spokesman for Brass Banding and Other Working Class Hobbies, Sir Norbert Privilege MBE, told the House, "It's a mess. We took our eye off the ball. Back in the 1920's brass banding was honest as the day as was long. Then money got involved. All of a sudden there were conductors wagging three bands at the same contest, there were certain well known cornet players performing with several bands. It was a free-for-all. The Government had to step in and create the Banding Registry to stop working class people earning too much money. One could earn a mediocre living wage doing something with one band, but shouldn't then be allowed to top that up with immoral earnings from another band".

"All of a sudden there was a ceiling on how much top earners could earn, which pleased our fans in the Wankers Section, what had helped vote us in".

"It ran well from then on. To be honest we didn't really spend much time on it for 60 years. Then, all of a sudden, the 80's kicked in. Manufacturing people kicked off big time, especially the miners. The pits were being really awkward, so we shut them. The cotton mills in Lancashire were killed off at the same Government meeting. They were angry but they fell into line from a registration point of view".

"Then came the 1990's, all of a sudden the money-grabbing was back in brass banding. Conductors charging far too much, players flitting about willy-nilly".

"The whole system was fucked again. It had seen sixty years of conformity to the rules but now the working class brass band was being raped by money grabbers once again".

"Now it has reached tipping point. Even shit conductors will charge £80 a pop. Players will join one band one week then another the next. The result has been the whole meltdown of the Brass Banding Registry."

It should be a cracking budget!

Hampton Lard To Tackle Breathe-a-thon!


Hampton Lard, the notoriously obese flugel laiker with the Windermere Colliery Band has announced a major fundraising event.

Lard told the Bandstand, "Many will remember our famous film, 'Fuck Me The Colliery's Flooded' what came out in 1978 and really lifted brass banding into popular culture. There was of course the famous scene where the colliery manager was hung on a gallows made out of the frozen tears of the miners' children".

"To be honest, we have flogged that cow to death for 30 plus years. The audiences are bored, the band is bored. We never made a sequel. That was the real fuck up. The cash has dried up. So many people have raped this cow over the years that the fountain we thought would never run dry is now as dry as a librarian's fanny!"

Last year Lard was diagnosed with being so obese that there is so much fat attached to his rib cage that he simply cannot breathe properly whilst standing up. It's what people who work in or near hospitals call Bone Idle Syndrome. And that gave Hampton his idea!

He exclusively (did we mention this was an exclusive?) told the Bandstand, "I will slowly be lowered onto my back, at which point most of the pressure caused by that excessive fat will be released. The doctors also hope that some of my arteries might actually open up slightly. In this position they hope I can manage 24 hours of breathing normally!"

You can sponsor Hampton's 24 Hour Breathe-a-thon on the Windermere Band website.

Borrowdale Takes Meaningless Title


The Borrowdale Brown Pears Band has taken today's Meaningless March, Hymn Tune and for No Apparent Reason Also Entertainments Contest at the Sneedsdale Arena (What Used To Be Called the Bandstand) in Sneedsdale at the top end of Nottinghamshire.

Two bands made the ill-fated trip and either could of won, right up to the point where they had both finished playing.

Yet it was Borrowdale who got the nod from adjudicator Clement Watkins CBE and went home £13.78 richer and with the Sneedsdale Town Council Memorial Trophy clutched under their proverbial arms!

Just missing out were the Wellards Home Furnishings Band who came a sorry second, described by the adjudicator as, "also, last of course!"

However, they can boast several young girls amongst their ranks who enjoyed their day of heavy drinking, so the future could be somewhat brighter than this shit result might suggest.

Tuesday 2 October 2012

Expensive Still Rollin' Despite Sour Note


Brian Expensive has informed the Bandstand that he is still dining out on victory at the Flingthorpe Open with the Tuppery & Sneedsdale Band, but there is a sour note.

Expensive said, "My last invoice submitted to the Tuppery & Sneedsdale Band has not been honoured. The £300 they owe me for that rehearsal the night before the Flingthorpe Open has not been forthcoming. The band told me they were skint and that they were holding a whist drive and door to door collections to try and raise it".

"It's a joke. They've all been dining out on that result for the last few weeks and now, suddenly, they can't honour my contract. I was owed £2,800 for the Open and, although £2,500 has been settled, there is still the £300 owing".

"Anyway, I'm going where the money is, Scandinavia. Those guys took one look at the Flingthorpe Open result and were straight on the phone. This is serious money. I might never work in the UK again, though I might fly some of my favourite players over to Scandinavia to help me out!"

"No, seriously, I've bought this little sports car, it's a four-seater so it has ample room for me to take myself and three prostitutes down a fjord to a sleezy motel to do stuff to each other."

"Don't get me wrong, I was brought up on brass banding by my mother and father, whom I loved, and brass banding. However, to put it bluntly, if brass banding in the UK can't afford it, then those of us who seek to earn serious money out of brass banding will go overseas!"

Radio: Hark At The Racket


Old favourite Monty Fanshawe is dangling a fragrant musical vagina in front of your brass banding pheromones this Friday at 9.30 on Diggle FM. The sweet and succulent sounds and smells of freshly opened banding labia include:-

March: Stout & Sturdy (Turnberry Sofas Lazy Days Band)
Overture: The Jews In Palestein (Hezbollah Conflict Band)
If You Weren't My Father That Would Be Rape (TCP Maidstone Band - soloist A. S. Cribbins)
Choppin' Cucumbers (The Hull Polytechnic Brass Quintet)
Sentimental Journey (Bakers Bakery Band)
My Brassiere Has Become Undone (Dartford Dichotomy Big Band - soloist Tutu Quince)
Ursula's Procession To The Shopping Centre (Massed Bands of the Ackrington Argonauts)

Schiffer To Head Registry


The Bandstand has discovered that German supermodel Claudia Schiffer is to head up a new Brass Band Registration System for England and Wales (not including Scotland who do their own thing).

In a hastily arranged yet still very secretive meeting last night, Schiffer spilt the beans to me and our Malcolm. She arrived looking stunning in a Jeanette Krankie trouser suit, offset with a pair of Darcy Bussell flip flops, you know, those pastel ones that are just so lush! We almost swooned as she plonked her original Maureen Off Of Driving School Handbag on the table in front of us.

Then, with a sharp intake of breath that made her mildly-endowed German breasts heave inside the soft fabric of her silk blouse, she said, "To be honest lads, this whole Registry job is fucked".

Malcolm suffered a bit of trouser dribble.

She went on, "Everybody's up their own arse and nobody will sit down round a table and talk to each other. It's a fucking joke".

"Then last week, I got a call from Claude Barrowclough off of Creampie Productions, them what owns all the contests, and he asked me to head up a new team to relaunch a banding registry run with ruthless German efficiency. I didn't need asking twice! Except I did, 'cos the first time he asked I didn't hear properly, 'cos he was on his mobile and had driven under a bridge or something".

Schiffer's love affair with brass banding began in 2010 at the National Finals at the Kensington Cow Creamery in London. She said, "Before that day I had never heard of brass bands. Then they invaded the quiet little London mews in which I live, at least for some of the time. I had never seen such debauchery, except perhaps on German porn films. I remember I was leaving to go to a photoshoot, they were launching the new Cannon & Ball collection of evening gowns at the Arndale Centre in Manchester and I had a long drive ahead of me. When I walked outside there was a brass band guy pissing up against my Mercedes SLK. I have loved the brass banding movement ever since, and this is my chance to give something back!"

Head of the current English Registry of Bands (Including Wales) which is currently shut down pending someone, somewhere, actually making a fucking decision, Norman Scutcher said "It's a fucking joke. Let's see how she gets on in February when she's being bombarded with calls from bands wanting to get dodgy transfers through for the Areas!"

It should be a cracking long-running saga during which brass banding can't decide what to do because nobody is bothered.