Stanton: Let's Talk About Me

Major General Fred Stanton has regaled us with another extract from his book, "Let's Talk About Me!"

He's left it for a week or two to see how the book sells and it isn't, frankly. Stanton told the Bandstand, "The book is not doing as well as I would have hoped. Maybe it's down to snobbery on my part, the fact that I live with my cello-playing wife in a beautiful part of the Cotswolds whilst still having the little pad in Kingston-upon-Thames where we stay for our London gigs."

"Maybe in the days of the credit crunch and working class foreigners springing up everywhere I misjudged my obvious gloating! Now I aim to set the record straight with this tale of the most humble time in my life, still included in my book, Let's Talk About Me! priced anything from £19.99 in bookshops to £1.99 at petrol stations!"

"I was walking home one night through the back streets of London with my wife, a fine cello player. We had crossed Knightsbridge quite successfully and turned off into one of the lesser known areas. As we stumbled along the pavement a tramp came into view. My wife said, 'Kick him in the face and move on'.

"I remembered my roots, for I was brought up within a very middle class family not far from a working class pit area where dirty, ill-educated children played for the local colliery band. It would be some years before selfless determination saw me finally conduct this riff-raff at a proper contest. But that is for Chapter 15!"

"Anyway, as we passed this tramp I noticed he was whistling the theme from Grimaldi's first symphony. The motifs were clear and resonant in the cold London air".

"I did a quick about turn more suited to the parade ground, in so doing leaving my fine, cello-playing wife suddenly without escort. She looked suitably shocked and gazed at me across that few yards that had now become a chasm in London's dirty old streets."

"I said to the tramp 'You know Grimaldi?' He said, 'I am Sir Norbert Horbinger. I conducted the finest performance of Grimaldi the Albert Hall has ever seen!'

"Anyway, I gave him 10p for a cup of tea. And, sometimes, just sometimes, my fine, cello-playing wife and I pop Grimaldi on the stereo, look out of our London flat and watch Horbinger begging in the street. Then we sit down and she pours me a glass of claret whilst I light a cigar and think, that night on the cold, dark streets of London, I really gave something back!"

Radio: Fenton Dooby

Fenton Dooby announces a break away for this Sunday's show at 4pm on Radio Linthwaite, as it will be presented for the first time by his twin sisters Arabella and Spartacus.

The show will feature:-

The Brash Brigadier (Kenco Coffee Band)
Overture: The Careless Concubine (Grayson's Goose Pimples Band)
The Weighty Slag (Ashdown Creameries Band - soloist Netty Granger)
Should I Put a Finger In? (Llanpopwei Silver Band)
The Butcher, He Is Out of Sausages (The Band of the Garforth Grenadiers)
Tok Pepwe Alimatu (Carnforth Concert Band - soloist Jade Fairfax)
The Procession of the Pies (Feelgood Factor Brass)

Splitarse Speaks

Maureen Splitarse has spoken to the Ainley Top Bandstand about her controversial appointment as the first bird to be accepted by the Barnstorm & Rangsfeld Band.

Maureen said, "I am a splitarse and proud of it. I have a fanny and a pair of tits, through which it would be possible to give birth to a child and then feed it!"

"We women can sort it all out for ourselves, except for the spunk up the fanny bit at the start what needs a bloke to get you pregnant, but aside from that, we can do it sisters!"

We then suggested another scenario to Maureen whereby she would gobble us off and let us spit our creamy bonanza into her mouth before she spat it down onto her gaping "thronghold" and suck it all up inside her using her pelvic floor muscles and stuff, so giving birth to a child, eventually.

Maureen said, "That might work!"

Watkins To Make a Pudding of Himself!

Malcolm, can we sort this photo out? Which one is Remmy Watkins? I think it might be the guy holding the trumpet, seeing as how he's a trumpet player and all that. But it could also be the bloke at the front if he's giving that fat one a lesson or something. Have either of us ever met him? - Ed.

Legendary trumpet soloist, technician, clinician and bullshitter Remmy Watkins has taken the conductor's job at the Bromsgrove Black Puddings Band.

Watkins told the Bandstand, "I am very excited at this appointment. The age of the players at my disposal ranges from 12 to 67, enabling me to spin you some bullshit about having a youthful team that is also balanced with maturity and experience".

"We also have a diverse range of accountants, solicitors and people who work in call centres. Plus the younger ones who want to go to music college and become teachers. It's safe to say I will have to try and align all their personal expectations up with my own before our full-fronted blitzkrieg at the second section of the Bryan Adams (Everything I Do I Do It For You) March Contest next month.

Figgis Pushes Boundaries!

Trombone creep Lester Figgis is pushing the boundaries of the instrument!

Figgis told the Bandstand, "In my constant quest to push the boundaries of the trombone I am constantly trying to play higher, lower, louder and softer than anyone else ever! You can think of me as a sort of Neil Armstrong crossed with Stephen Hawking with a trombone!"

When pressed by the Bandstand, Figgis later admitted that he sometimes lies in bed alone and touches himself whilst thinking about Kate Garraway off of early morning telly.

Barnstorm Sign Splitarse!

The Barnstorm & Rangsfeld Band have announced the signing of a splitarse on second baritone!

Maureen Axewound, aged 56 and a bit, is the first woman with a vagina and tits and all that to put pen to paper and sign on the dotted line!

Band president Michael Mobile said, "In all the history of the band we have never had a player with a fanny. You know, one of them who misses rehearsals 'cos she's a bit temperamental 'cos it's all rag week and stuff and she's bleeding into her knickers, or 'cos she's got a migraine 'cos Andy Murray got knocked out of Wimbledon or Chip and Fez have split up on Coronation Street!"

"Anyway, we've signed a player with a clitoris, deal with it, get over it, let's all move on".

Radio: Hark At The Racket

Monty Fanshawe is offering a veritable salamander of slop this Friday at 9.30 on Diggle FM.

March: Did You Just Touch My Mother (The Leonard Rossiter Band)
Overture: The Holy Pigeon (The Band of the Rawcliffe Rifles)
Go On, Get One Out (Clemsdyke Colliery Band - soloist Mason Whoresbreath)
She Swore She Was Sixteen (Guiseppe Verdi Conservatories Band)
Centrifugal Force (The Band of the Royal and Ancients)
Ethel, My Piles Are Smarting (Roehampton Milliners Band - soloist Katy Comeuppance)
Wham, Bang Thank You Ma'am (Duxford Aerodrome Band)

Cockstride Opens Doors

Nobbut three and a bit year old cornet prodigy Carson Cockstride has announced an open rehearsal ahead of his assault on the forthcoming Fenwick's Lampshades Slow Melody Contest at the Brian Off Of Big Brother Assembly Rooms, Longsholton.

The rehearsal takes place this coming Thursday in his mum's kitchen at number 19 Purvis Terrace, Emmental and commences at 7.30pm on the dot. Entry is free.

Co-op Entertainment Boost

The Co-Operative (Bag For Life) Band have won the William Wallace International Brass Band Eisteddfod at the Steve Stone Arts Centre, Llantunbridge Wells despite the fire alarm going off half way through!

Musical director Simon Shadwell said, "The fire alarm went off half way through!"

"However, fans of the band should relax! It was all planned! We were playing my new composition, 'Fire, Fire' which requires the fire alarm in the hall turning on deliberately!"

Audience members were, however, confused and many valiantly trampled weaker people into the carpet as they fled the hall in a blind panic. By the time the encore, "Watch Me Undress", started there were only three people listening.

However, two of them were the adjudicators, and they gave the band a big thumbs up.

Co-Operative (Bag For Life) Band Chairman Maurice McCloud said, "This sets us up nicely for our maximum attack on the British Light Featherweight Title in Darrowby St. Claire next weekend!"

Radio: Fenton Dooby

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Beige Held On Two Counts Of Murder

Dull as ditchwater euphonium laiker Gary Beige has been held on two counts of murder!

No, not really, we're only joking. It's one of those things we brass banding news sites do from time to time where we chuck a startling headline at you but, crucially, with an exclamation mark at the end, then you read it and it turns out to be a load of the same old shit after all.

Anyway, Beige rang us while we were having our tea last Thursday and said, "It's true, I'm up on two counts of murder! Just to be sure, you will put an exclamation mark after murder won't you, only it's not the same over the phone? I haven't actually murdered anyone, I just want to drum up some more publicity for myself".

"First off, I've murdered my relationship with Yamamuchi Instruments! They've provided me with a new instrument regularly over the last four years and, in return, I've preached to gullible, middle class students with parents that have more money than sense, that they are simply the best in the world. However, the firm has gone bust".

"This came as a blow, not just to me but my army of followers on Twitter. My euphoniums take some real hammer, touring the world doing recitals and stuff, being chucked about by baggage handlers. If I didn't get a new one for free every so often the whole Gary Beige bubble might burst!"

"Thankfully, I'm now in discussion with two prominent euphonium manufacturers. I don't know who makes the best one but I'll just hang on and see who offers the most money".

"Secondly, I've murdered my girlfriend (well, not literally, but I have dumped her, by text message!) To be honest, as the foremost young exponent of the euphonium, I'm constantly surrounded by nubile young teenage girls with pert breasts. I just got bored of this one and decided to move on. Thankfully it's not quite as distressing as changing mouthpieces! However, I do need to get in touch with her so I can go round and collect the signed photos of me she put up in her parent's living room".

Death of Gordon Stingray

The Bandstand has been informed of the death of Gordon Stingray.

Stingray died of a heart attack on Tuesday after being arrested by police whilst rubbing his own faeces onto the chest of a prostitute on wasteland opposite the Perry Como Industrial Estate in Felix St. Judes.

He is (sorry, was) best known as musical director of the Laura Ashley Curtains Band during their heyday in the 1980's when they won the Peeves Purviss Open not once, but twice.

He leaves a widow Joan, a daughter Karen (aged 48 but still with a nice pair of tits, you'd probably fuck her), and several heavy debts.

A spokesman for the Laura Ashley Carpets Band said, "Gordon who?..."

Radio: Hark At The Racket

Monty Fanshawe has more timid offerings if you have nothing better to at 9pm this coming Friday than sit around a radiogram in your parlour and tune in to Diggle FM. His limp-wristed offerings this week are:-

March: The Mischievous Sambo (Croxteth Clearwater Brass)
Overture: Die Fuckenpumper (The Band of the Hampshire Horse Guards)
Warn Me When You're Gonna Cum I Don't Want It In My Mouth (Portsmouth Hullaballoo Band - soloist Cheryl Crimper)
Ode To Guntley Browncrack (Slimsdyke Capers Band)
Set The Bitch On Fire (Frampton Fire Service Band)
Not Whilst My Mother's Asleep Next Door (The Ray Mears Band - soloist Wendy O'Hara)
Great Gate of Kettering (Kettering Carpets Band)

Vendetta Chosen For Baxters

A new set work called Vendetta has been chosen for this year's Baxters Soup Contest on the pavement outside Blockbusters in Chapel Risley on Sunday 7th October.

The piece is the brain child of talented young composer Lacey Pingpong, who said, "I've always been enthralled by the James Bond movies. Not the shit ones with Roger Moore, but the good ones with Shaun Connery in".

"Anyway, all the modern Bond films seem to have him not just saving the world single-handedly but also everybody being worried about him going off on some sort of personal vendetta. I think the whole thing started in Goldeneye but it definitely also happened in all the ones with the new guy in it. You know, him out of Layer Cake?"

The piece has three movements, Man With The Golden Gun Bossa Nova, Moneypenny's Silk Purse and Moonraker's Moondance.

Tickets are priced at £18 but, to be honest, if you're on the pavement outside Blockbusters in Chapel Risley on 7th October you can probably just hang around and listen for nowt.

It should be a cracking contest!

Bagley Recuperating After Stubbed Toe

Euphonium legend Bovington Bagley is recuperating at home after a stubbed toe.

Bagley told the Bandstand, "On Wednesday I got up in the middle of the night for a piss. I do it all the time now, the bladder isn't what it was. Anyway, I couldn't be arsed switching the kitchen light on and stubbed my toe on a chair leg".

Sadly it means that Bagley's recital at the Church of St. Melvyn the Martar, Bishopstweeding next Friday, has been cancelled. Bagley said, "It's a real shame. I was going to perform Blaydon Races on this old Cockerton & Hemingway 4-Valve Growl Engine that I bought off of Ebay and refurbished. Sadly it looks like it won't go ahead".

Turton Slow Melody A Fucking Shambles

The Turton (Sharon Is Back On Eastenders) Band's recent Annual Slow Melody Contest has been described as "a fucking shambles".

Secretary Janet Sweephole gave the honest assessment after a disastrous day at the Joe Longthorne Leisure Centre. Janet told the bandstand, "It was a fucking shambles. We spent £120 booking the Guinevere Suite and another £100 on adjudicator Byron Sharples MBE. Then only one lad turned up, and he was shit. There were only two people listening and one of those was the adjudicator, who had to be there. I think the other one was that shit lad's mum".

Asked if next year's event would be doubtful, Janet said, "Not at all. Byron is booked again and that shit lad who waltzed off with all the trophies and £200 in his back pocket said he was up for it".

Radio: Fenton Dooby

Fenton Dooby has more brass band fun "coming at ya" this Sunday at 4pm on Upperthong FM. The show will include:-

Stride Trusty & True (Pexloe Silver Band)
Samantha Mumba Variations (Band of the Greenfield Cavaliers)
I Lay My Vagina At Your Pleasure (Layline Brass - soloist Myra Laidlaw)
Take Up The Torque (Sedgefield Simpletons Band)
Shout Your Mother (Narborough University Band)
Touch My Fanny In The Moonlight (Golden Grahams Band - soloist Latifa Chatengbywe)
Lordy Lordy (Garstang Garibaldi Band)

Topslow Bumchum Gains Place

Topslow Bumchum, the eccentric tenor horn prodigy, has gained a place on this year's Annual Dorset Jamboree Band Course. The 13 year old sensation was hand picked by course director Major Colonel Claude Spamfritters.

Bumchum's mum, Sheila, said,"To send our son off to band camp with someone of the quality of Spamfritters is ideal. It should help so much in his development. He will get better or he will be abused when he gets back home".

Spamfritters said, "I have pulled this course together myself, almost single-handedly. However, it is all about the children who will benefit from my expertise. Thankfully, since that do with the 13 year old girl in her swimming costume that was thrown out of court, parents should have no worry sending their kids into my clutches".

A small number of places are still available, priced £299 for the weekend. Contact Marjorie Groomer at no-he-will-really-touch-your-children@paedo.net

Snedsmeare Open Doors

The Snedsmeare (Washing Machines Live Longer With Calgon) Band are opening their doors ahead of next month's Smethwick Open.

Musical Director Brian Bonchance said, "We have heard that several bands have rewritten the parts, to make them easier, like. We will be playing the parts. You know, the parts you are sent, just like in the old days, the proper parts. We'll play them, the proper parts".

If anyone is interested in what the proper parts sound like you can join The Snedsmeare (Washing Machines Live Longer With Calgon) Band at the Snedsmeare Tiger Woods Botanical Gardens this Friday at 7.30pm. Entry is free.

Corfew Principal Guest Percussionist at Watslow

The Watslow Silver Band have announced the appointment of Gordon Corfew as Principal Guest Percussionist.

Band secretary Alison Tucksmeade said, "It appears this arrangement means that Gordon can do what he always has done. Just turn up and bail us out at big contests and charge a fee of around £250".

Band chairman Lucianne Luxmeade said, "What Alison should have said, but being a typical woman, didn't, should of been that Gordon has bailed us out at contests at £250 a pop and all of what is on the committee accept that. However, giving him this new title should mean he feels more a part of the band and will hopefully reduce his fee".

Corfew said, "Fuck it, this is brass banding and I'm a percussionist, it'll be £250 a pop whatever they want to call me".