The Windermere Colliery Band have done their best at the opening of the Elsecar Athletics Tournament. Having announced announcement after announcement to build us all up to it they were finally there.
Sadly, they were not picked up on camera at all. Viewers saw Egyptian drummers, stilt walkers from Azerbaijan and Japanese Jews building a wendy house under the guise of an influx of all manner of people into Elsecar, presumably in the 1950's when all that stuff went on.
Band spokesperson Clayton Blackmore (who used to play for Manchester United) said, "We tickled, we teased, we announced something, we withdrew the announcement and announced another announcement. It all boiled down to being on the telly and it seems we weren't".
Now, like the moon landings, people don't believe they were actually there.
Joan Hoopla of the Mangina Moor Band said, "We've seen pictures of members of the Windermere Colliery Band posted on popular networking sites such as Twingo, Funbook and @whatever. But how do we know they were really there?"
In a moon landings-type conspiracy Jonny Hydro of the West Carlton Powderkeg Band said, "You look at that photo on Twingo of them lining up in the tunnel. You can see a flag flying stoutly behind them. If you check the weather forecast for central London it was for light breezes. That flag could not have flown like that behind them if they were there, which obviously they weren't".
Stanley Ottoway of the Cobden Cow Creamer Band said, "That shot of them in the tunnel counting their money, the shadows are going the wrong way. They weren't there".
It should be a cracking conspiracy.
Friday 27 July 2012
Sunday 22 July 2012
Radio: Fenton Dooby
Heavy-treading, mouth-breathing, obese paedophile Fenton Dooby has immediately responded to Monty Fanshawe's post about his radio show with a post about his own radio show in what is literally becoming a radio war encouraged by us to try and gain readers.
Dooby said, "I'm off work with stress. I sit in the house all day eating Pop Tarts and Ben & Jerry's. But my radio show is better than Fanshawe's".
Thankfully the shows are on at different times on different days so you can make your own mind up. Dooby's show at 4.00pm this coming Sunday on pirate channel New Mill FM includes:-
March: The Dead Prostitute (Minsley Mentors Band)
Overture: La Petite Vagabond (The Black Jackdaw Band)
Pointless (Leston Pygmie Band - soloist Ralph Lacourte)
Death In The Family (Old Rampton Band)
Soapy Suds (Garstang Garages Band - soloist Claire Tibbles)
Starpoint (Leominster Lactations Band)
Radio: Hark At The Racket
Monty Fanshawe is back in action this Friday on Radio Diggle at 9.00pm. Fanshawe said, "It was a bit of a fuck up last week announcing details after the event, which meant we had no listeners and that bloke what runs the station, him who has that farm in Lydgate, read me the riot act. So now I'm giving plenty of notice."
This Friday's show will include:-
Set Fire To The Bitch (Carnegie Asphalt Band)
Morbid Overture (Truroe Tramways Band)
Double Penetration (Anderson Fireplaces Band - soloist Kylie Hopgood)
The Comeful Concubine (The Aubrey Winters Brass Ensemble)
Violate Me (Twyford Twix Band - soloist Emma Dangler)
Hairy Pie (Stanfleet Citadel Band)
Kontiki Fondles Girl's Breasts
Well-respected conductor Norbert Kontiki has been accused of fondling a girl's breasts at the recent Quagmire Too Far Away Contest at Sherbet-on-Sea.
17-year-old wannabee model Skye Logan said, "I spent £2,000 having my tits done, then I got hair extensions and stuff. Next thing I know I'm in Sherbet-on-Sea doing a promotional shoot for Hambleton Holiday Homes and this seedy bloke comes up and accidentally brushes against my tits whilst he's pushing past me in the bar. I felt so violated like when I posed for that lads mag with my labia almost bursting my g-string".
Kontiki, conductor of the Fentenbury Saxhorn Band and of 14 Tulisa Terrace, Leominster, who's mobile number is 08778 543971, was unavailable for comment.
17-year-old wannabee model Skye Logan said, "I spent £2,000 having my tits done, then I got hair extensions and stuff. Next thing I know I'm in Sherbet-on-Sea doing a promotional shoot for Hambleton Holiday Homes and this seedy bloke comes up and accidentally brushes against my tits whilst he's pushing past me in the bar. I felt so violated like when I posed for that lads mag with my labia almost bursting my g-string".
Kontiki, conductor of the Fentenbury Saxhorn Band and of 14 Tulisa Terrace, Leominster, who's mobile number is 08778 543971, was unavailable for comment.
Banding's Future Is In Your Hands
Tequila Crabtree, president of the Perthshire & Devonshire Brass Band Association has called an extraordinary Annual General Meeting.
Crabtree told the Bandstand, "Brass banding is fucked, it's right in the shit. What we need is a proper debate about open adjudication, selection of judges, the price of catering at contests and other things that nobody is bothered with".
"To help with the fact that nobody is bothered with it we have arranged a meeting for last Tuesday on the Isle of Skye at 6am. We hope to have not seen most of you there".
Crabtree told the Bandstand, "Brass banding is fucked, it's right in the shit. What we need is a proper debate about open adjudication, selection of judges, the price of catering at contests and other things that nobody is bothered with".
"To help with the fact that nobody is bothered with it we have arranged a meeting for last Tuesday on the Isle of Skye at 6am. We hope to have not seen most of you there".
Lipton at Wycombe Festival
Jacob Lipton, the 3 year old cornet prodigy, is to be guest star performer at this next weekend's (the one coming up not the one just gone) Wycombe Festival.
Festival organiser Fanny Fairweather said, "Jacob is a legend, we simply had to get him. Then his parents asked for £500 in used notes and the demands started. He wants his own tent backstage, eight bottles of blackcurrant Fruit Shoot and a bag of sugary poekemons. The one thing he doesn't want is that old cornet teacher of his what used to touch his genitals innapropriately during lessons. He was quite clear about that".
Thankfully everything is now in place and the self-obsessed, obnoxious little shit with the money-grabbing parents is set to wow the crowd with renditions of "Take Me Gently", "Up Against the Parlour Window" and "Jam Spoon".
Chittagong for Han Solo Tauntaun
The Han Solo Tauntaun Band has announced the appointment of Claude Chittagong as musical director with almost immediate effect (it isn't immediate, so to speak, he will start next Tuesday).
Chittagong said, "I am so excited I can barely sleep. Han Solo Tauntaun are a diverse yet intrepid group of players and I hope that our relationship will be long and fruitful, especially for my bank account".
Band president Mary Newbody said, "Claude is a perfect fit for the band's dynamic. Just like the last bloke was six months ago before we sacked him recently. The future looks very bright indeed".
Chittagong said, "I am so excited I can barely sleep. Han Solo Tauntaun are a diverse yet intrepid group of players and I hope that our relationship will be long and fruitful, especially for my bank account".
Band president Mary Newbody said, "Claude is a perfect fit for the band's dynamic. Just like the last bloke was six months ago before we sacked him recently. The future looks very bright indeed".
Windermere Announcement Announced
The Windermere Colliery Band have finally announced the announcement that was due to follow several other, low-key announcements.
Excited player Terry Jamelia, pissed up in a bar, rang us and said, "This is the big one. This is what it's all been building up to. Truth is, we're miming at the Olympics. And we've signed a bird. All this stuff should rock brass banding to the core and put us back on the worldwide map. Is it right I get £200 in cash for telling you this?"
Yet the signs are that brass banding has not been rocked to the core. Tom and Mavis Brabinger of the Red Egg public house in Plebley said, "What a let down. We thought with all the build up it would be an announcement to end all announcements. To be honest, none of the regulars are interested in the Olympics. And, although most of them are sexist, the fact that Windermere have signed a splitarse is entirely inconsequential to them".
Windermere then issued a press release which stated, "We are sorry, Terry Jamelia should not have let the cat out of the bag. There will now be a further announcement trying to diffuse this latest announcement".
Excited player Terry Jamelia, pissed up in a bar, rang us and said, "This is the big one. This is what it's all been building up to. Truth is, we're miming at the Olympics. And we've signed a bird. All this stuff should rock brass banding to the core and put us back on the worldwide map. Is it right I get £200 in cash for telling you this?"
Yet the signs are that brass banding has not been rocked to the core. Tom and Mavis Brabinger of the Red Egg public house in Plebley said, "What a let down. We thought with all the build up it would be an announcement to end all announcements. To be honest, none of the regulars are interested in the Olympics. And, although most of them are sexist, the fact that Windermere have signed a splitarse is entirely inconsequential to them".
Windermere then issued a press release which stated, "We are sorry, Terry Jamelia should not have let the cat out of the bag. There will now be a further announcement trying to diffuse this latest announcement".
Friday 20 July 2012
Beige Lead Mine Mayhem
Gary Beige, the yawnably lamentable king of boredom euphonium laiker with a fit little student girlfriend, has told The Bandstand of his visit to a Scottish lead mining museum.
Beige said, "I've had such a hectic schedule lately, what with being one of the finest euphonium players ever to walk the earth, together with a 5-hour round trip to band rehearsals with my new(ish) band in Wales, I needed a chill out".
"I found it at the Scottish Museum of Lead Mining in Wanlockhead, Scotland. At 1,531 feet above sea level it is the highest village in Scotland, almost as high as I am after I walk off stage after yet another phenominal performance on euphonium".
"The tour of the mine was awesome, it was so dark and wet I was a bit scared. I couldn't believe that people actually used to work down mines. It's awful. Then I remembered that some of my best friends play with colliery bands and must suffer this every day".
"I now think that my mates who play with colliery bands have the hardest job in the world. I mean, how do you practice, down there in the pit? It just wouldn't be the accoustic that I'm used to whilst I'm performing in the finest concert halls in the land".
"It's safe to say I love colliery bands now, I think someone should make a film about it, possibly involving me".
Beige said, "I've had such a hectic schedule lately, what with being one of the finest euphonium players ever to walk the earth, together with a 5-hour round trip to band rehearsals with my new(ish) band in Wales, I needed a chill out".
"I found it at the Scottish Museum of Lead Mining in Wanlockhead, Scotland. At 1,531 feet above sea level it is the highest village in Scotland, almost as high as I am after I walk off stage after yet another phenominal performance on euphonium".
"The tour of the mine was awesome, it was so dark and wet I was a bit scared. I couldn't believe that people actually used to work down mines. It's awful. Then I remembered that some of my best friends play with colliery bands and must suffer this every day".
"I now think that my mates who play with colliery bands have the hardest job in the world. I mean, how do you practice, down there in the pit? It just wouldn't be the accoustic that I'm used to whilst I'm performing in the finest concert halls in the land".
"It's safe to say I love colliery bands now, I think someone should make a film about it, possibly involving me".
Professional Card: Samson Delilah
Samson Delilah was born in Clifton & Lightcliffe in a few years ago. He first studied music with that bloke off of the QVC Shopping Chanel TV show and, later, under the wonderful Cleeton Hodges.
Initially frustrated by a lack of opportunities to make money in his native UK, Samson moved to Gambia in 1998. He enjoyed successful spells with the Otakipwe Silver Band, the Chetagingwe Brass Ensemble and the Mputu Putu Village Band, with whom he enjoyed his greatest sucess.
In 2007 the Mputu Putu Village Band were granted a cash prize of £1,000 off of Red Nose Day to build a well to secure clean drinking water for whole area. People were prepared to walk for miles to obtain the clean water.
Samson said, "I knew that something had to be done. I told them that they could spend £1,000 on the well and then watch the Mputu Putu Village Band go down the pan. Or they could pay the money to me over the course of a week or two and we could really move the band on and maybe have a crack at the African National Championship at the Guild Hall, Ivory Coast, to which we couldn't even afford to go anyway".
"I'm so proud now to be able to say that they chose never to build that well. Many people died but they were only black people and we did almost make it to the African Nationals, which would of been a big tick on my CV".
Now back in the UK, Samson is keen to find more money. He is very excited about his return to the UK banding circuit and particularly keen to find a third section band who will simply pay him £40 a practice, listen open-mouthed to his made up stories of what he has done and not challenge him musically.
Radio: Hark At The Racket
Monty Fanshawe has announced details of tonight's Hark At The Racket Radio show that was on at 9.30pm on Diggle FM, after it has finished!
Fanshawe said, "Last month the wife's cat, Petula Maisie Grey Weatherall III, died. She took me to a pet psychic who tried to get in touch with her (the cat) from beyond the grave. Needless to say it was a load of generalistic waffle that could have applied to anyone but the wife bought into it big time".
"As a result I thought I'd try to send details of tonight's show from beyond it's grave (or, in other words, after it had happened) to see what would happen! It's like David Blaine when he made that Statue of Liberty off of ice and stuff. Spooky, weird, a bit frightening".
So, what would of happened tonight or, what might happen to you if you can see into the past beyond the grave off of a time travelling radio, at 9.30pm just gone, is:-
Contortions (Norwich Paper Plate Band)
Pick That Cotton, Negro (My Name Is Neo Mr. Anderson Brass - soloist Nancy Roamin)
Lincolnshire Laments (The Thompson Twins Alison Moyet Band)
Mama, I've Pissed Me Kecks (Gabriel Batistuta Band)
Lay Me Down And Don't Be Too Rough (Frodsham Aviation Band - solist Gary Beige)
Big Finish (Windermere Colliery Band)
Saturday 14 July 2012
Beige To Be Key Note Speaker In Poynton
Terminally dull and yet effervescently self-gratifying euphonium laiker Gary Beige will be a key note speaker at next month's Euphonium Players Annual Get Together, to be held this year at the Knutsford Services Conference Centre, Poynton.
Beige said, "This conference gets to the heart of the future of euphonium playing at all levels and to all standards. To be honest, I read the flyer and couldn't be arsed. However, the organisers, needing to get bums on seats to cover the cost of room hire, have offered me my train fair, accommodation, meals and £500 in used notes in my back pocket".
"Having previously not been arsed, I now realise that this is the foremost symposium for lower brass in the western world and to be invited to be a key note speaker is extremely humbling. It's almost as if I'm not really worthy, but then I remind myself that I am".
Beige said, "I will wear my heart on my sleeve and be frank about my upbringing. Born into a lowly middle class family, I remember we had three cars but only a double garage, so we had to leave one car out on the drive all night. It really was that tough. Then, aged seven, I was given my first, brand-new top of the range euphonium and as many private lessons as I could get in. They were tough times but I got through them, maybe just through my own self-determination".
"After that I might just pick up my humble little top of the range brand new sponsored instrument and knock out Grandfather's Clock. There shouldn't be a dry eye in the house!"
Tickets, originally £5.00, are now £17.50 and organisers are appealing to middle class parents of young lower brass players to suddenly get involved. One said, "If you have money to burn and you fail to send your child to this event, they will hate you forever, because, I tell you what, I bet all their friends are going!"
Beige said, "This conference gets to the heart of the future of euphonium playing at all levels and to all standards. To be honest, I read the flyer and couldn't be arsed. However, the organisers, needing to get bums on seats to cover the cost of room hire, have offered me my train fair, accommodation, meals and £500 in used notes in my back pocket".
"Having previously not been arsed, I now realise that this is the foremost symposium for lower brass in the western world and to be invited to be a key note speaker is extremely humbling. It's almost as if I'm not really worthy, but then I remind myself that I am".
Beige said, "I will wear my heart on my sleeve and be frank about my upbringing. Born into a lowly middle class family, I remember we had three cars but only a double garage, so we had to leave one car out on the drive all night. It really was that tough. Then, aged seven, I was given my first, brand-new top of the range euphonium and as many private lessons as I could get in. They were tough times but I got through them, maybe just through my own self-determination".
"After that I might just pick up my humble little top of the range brand new sponsored instrument and knock out Grandfather's Clock. There shouldn't be a dry eye in the house!"
Tickets, originally £5.00, are now £17.50 and organisers are appealing to middle class parents of young lower brass players to suddenly get involved. One said, "If you have money to burn and you fail to send your child to this event, they will hate you forever, because, I tell you what, I bet all their friends are going!"
July Quiz: Who Is This?...
In this month's quiz we are asking you to name this well known banding celebrity. It would be easy just to show the celebrity wearing a disguise or slightly unusual clothes, so to make it a bit harder (you see what we did there) here is a picture of him (and it is a him, obviously) with his lady-charmers out at the recent Snibston (Lord Lucan) Contest.
As a clue, he was celebrating a win that day for his band and decided to get his spam javelin and coconuts out in the bar, at which point our Malcolm dropped on his knees to take this photograph.
As a further clue, this sight should be well known to that 14 year old cornet player from Tantalus (Its Got Our Name On It.........Wickes) Band who nearly got him banged up.
Answers to the usual address (that doesn't exist) by Friday 37th of August. The winner will receive £7.42 in used coins, a signed CD of On The Promenade by the Dewberry-on-Sea Band and a copy of the statement that 14 year old girl was due to make in court before she was bullied out of appearing and so getting him cleared of any wrongdoing.
It should be a cracking quiz.
Thursday 12 July 2012
Die Kuntz in Upperthong
The fabulous Die Kuntz brass group are coming to Upperthong Civic Hall. The event is the brainchild of local promoter Jackson Smallbridge who said, "To get a group like Die Kuntz (in English, The Cunts) over here for a gig is incredible. I shall hope to make a lot of money out of it".
Die Kuntz have wowed crowds across Europe with their flamboyant and enigmatic style. They were the much-anticipated warm up act at the 2009 Norwegian Eisteddfod just before Sue Pollard off of Hi-De-Hi read out the results.
Smallbridge said, "This is literally, absolutely, a once-in-a-lifetime show. So I don't think I'm being too much of a fucker charging £25 a pop. Even if it is Upperthong Civic Hall there will be a buffet and the bogs will have flushing water".
Hans Gutterall, lead trumpet with Die Kuntz, said, "For us in Upperthong good it will be in the moment".
When we asked him about the programme he said, "I am hoping their are no Jews there. The programme is not really Jew friendly. We don't like the Jews".
Smallbridge said, "It should be a cracking night".
Ching Chong In New Venture
Ching Chong Chinaman has accepted the post of Musical Director with the National Youth Brass Band of Racial Stereotypes with immediate effect.
He will take over the role vacated by Fat Fat Fatabastardu from Samoa who has had return home to his native island because there were too many coconuts washed up on the beach.
Organiser Margaret Bigot said, "To lose Fat Fat Fatabastardu was a real blow. We were beginning to think Lottery funding could not continue. Now in walks Ching Chong Chinaman and we're filling in forms left right and centre".
"If anyone in the band falls short of standard they can be sure of the "chop" suey! But I'm sure as "spring rolls" in he'll have ideas for a new programme!"
Ching Chong said, "I am rearry preased, etc."
Windermere Speculation Continues
Rumours continue to persist about the forthcoming announcement of a forthcoming announcement from the Windermere Colliery Band. We asked our own seeing into the future correspondent, Mystic Malcolm, to have a pop.
Malcolm said, "Is there anybody there? Is there anybody there? Alright, thanks a fucking bunch I'll do it on my own then".
Malcolm suggests one of several theories:-
Malcolm said, "Is there anybody there? Is there anybody there? Alright, thanks a fucking bunch I'll do it on my own then".
Malcolm suggests one of several theories:-
- The band, notoriously grown up sexists, will form a new male-only, 18 and over youth band.
- They have a wild chinchilla loose in the bandroom.
- They have signed a lesbian on horn and are playing at the Olympics for fuck all.
Radio: Fenton Dooby
It seems Monty Fanshawe of Diggle FM isn't the only man left hosting a radio show devoted to brass bands. Enter Fenton Dooby, a morbidly obese Yorkshireman who has gained a Sunday afternoon slot on Radio Wetwang (98.2-99.1 BM).
Dooby said, "The show is aimed at your typical brass band fan and couldn't be better placed than on a Sunday afternoon. Usually at that time he'll be on the drive washing the Honda Civic whilst she's in the house putting old newspapers down on the kitchen lino so he doesn't muddy it when he comes in, as they both eagerly anticipate a repeat of Last of the Summer Wine before cocoa and bed. This will fill that gap for them, unless Antique Roadshow's on, in which case I might be fucked. Or is that after Summer Wine?"
Anyway, the dangerously overweight mouth-breather offers for his first show (6.30pm Sunday on Radio Wetwang):-
The Confident Condiment (Fricasee Fryers Band)
Overture: Sexual Healing (Turnbury Clockwise Band)
Did You Touch My Daughter? (Knocksmede Silver - soloist Robert Chant)
Pull Yer Drawers Up, Mavis (The Band of the Linthwaite Cavalry)
Yes That's My Clitoris (Barnard Town Beaver Band - soloist Nelly McBride)
That'll Do It (Corby Trouser Press Band)
Advert: Jujitsu Music
John Jujitsu of Jujitsu Music has announced that new and innovative music is available for brass band on his new website.
John said, "I recently qualified from Portisdown Technical College with a 2.2 in Music. Obviously, at the end of the day, I want to be a music teacher, but my parents bought me Sibelius so in the meantime I'm writing stuff for bands. Not the usual stuff, this is edgy, pushy, it'll surprise a few".
Pieces available so far include:-
Ryder Cup Lament
The Introduction of the New Archdeacon
A Jewish Serenade
Point at the Door
Jujitsu said, "I realise financially it's a bad time for bands. Money-grabbing conductors are pushing their finances to the limit. However, I quite fancy a gap year in the far east involving under-age ladyboys so everything will be £25 a pop".
It should be a cracking gap year.
John said, "I recently qualified from Portisdown Technical College with a 2.2 in Music. Obviously, at the end of the day, I want to be a music teacher, but my parents bought me Sibelius so in the meantime I'm writing stuff for bands. Not the usual stuff, this is edgy, pushy, it'll surprise a few".
Pieces available so far include:-
Ryder Cup Lament
The Introduction of the New Archdeacon
A Jewish Serenade
Point at the Door
Jujitsu said, "I realise financially it's a bad time for bands. Money-grabbing conductors are pushing their finances to the limit. However, I quite fancy a gap year in the far east involving under-age ladyboys so everything will be £25 a pop".
It should be a cracking gap year.
Windermere Speculation Mounts
Rumours are rife within the banding movement about just what the impending announcement by the Windermere Colliery Band will be.
Brian and Marjorie Nincompoop, of Badger Terrace, Gurnside, suggest it might have something to do with the celebrated film Brass Tacks. Brian said, "Since hearing the announcement about a forthcoming announcement my wife and I have been on tenterhooks" (is that how you spell it, please check Malcolm, I don't want to look a tit - Ed)
"We've followed the band for over 150 years and still shell out £30 between us for concerts where we hope they will still play the same old stuff. But we think this announcement may be connected to the film, Brass Tacks".
"It's that scene where the musical director is riding to band rehearsal on a whippet and gets run over by a steamroller. Flat as a pancake, some members of the band post him through the colliery letterbox. However, that fit bird with the nice tits who joined the band but was really a coal board insider screws him up and throws him in a waste paper basket".
"You think that's him done and dusted and we still cry at it now. But then his son, who works as a knife thrower in the circus on his nights off from band, not that he wants to, its just to feed his family 'cos those miners had fuck all, hears his muffled screams and breaks into the colliery to rescue him".
"They decide to turn him into a paper aeroplane (don't forget he's been run over by a steamroller so he's still very flat) and chuck him off of Scafell Pike whilst the band play "In a Monastery Garden" (soon to be included on their forthcoming CD) whilst wearing crowns of fairy lights".
"Yes, we hope it's something to do with that".
Brian and Marjorie Nincompoop, of Badger Terrace, Gurnside, suggest it might have something to do with the celebrated film Brass Tacks. Brian said, "Since hearing the announcement about a forthcoming announcement my wife and I have been on tenterhooks" (is that how you spell it, please check Malcolm, I don't want to look a tit - Ed)
"We've followed the band for over 150 years and still shell out £30 between us for concerts where we hope they will still play the same old stuff. But we think this announcement may be connected to the film, Brass Tacks".
"It's that scene where the musical director is riding to band rehearsal on a whippet and gets run over by a steamroller. Flat as a pancake, some members of the band post him through the colliery letterbox. However, that fit bird with the nice tits who joined the band but was really a coal board insider screws him up and throws him in a waste paper basket".
"You think that's him done and dusted and we still cry at it now. But then his son, who works as a knife thrower in the circus on his nights off from band, not that he wants to, its just to feed his family 'cos those miners had fuck all, hears his muffled screams and breaks into the colliery to rescue him".
"They decide to turn him into a paper aeroplane (don't forget he's been run over by a steamroller so he's still very flat) and chuck him off of Scafell Pike whilst the band play "In a Monastery Garden" (soon to be included on their forthcoming CD) whilst wearing crowns of fairy lights".
"Yes, we hope it's something to do with that".
Death of Digby Stephens
The Ainley Top Bandstand has been informed of the death of Digby Stephens. They do seem to be dropping like flies at the minute.
In the old days you'd roll up at a contest, see some chum of yours and say, "How's so and so doing?" Then you'd get the response, "He died two years ago".
Now, with the birth of the Interweb, every death has to be announced it seems. To be honest, we've never heard of this guy but his widow e-mailed us some shit so we thought we'd best report it with a bit of dignity and stuff.
So here goes, ahem....
Digby Stephens (whoever he is) has died. Digby is fondly remembered as the long-serving bass trombone player with the Runnymede (Magna Carta) Band. He is well respected by the band for his input at the 1984 Annual General Meeting, when he stood up and queried the £4.73 shown in the band's accounts under "secretary's postal costs".
Digby died on Tuesday morning whilst balancing atop a rickety stepladder trimming the hedges with a petrol driven chainsaw when his wife suddenly shouted, "Do you want a cup of tea, love?"
We are assured that all the bits will be in the coffin. It should be a cracking send off.
In the old days you'd roll up at a contest, see some chum of yours and say, "How's so and so doing?" Then you'd get the response, "He died two years ago".
Now, with the birth of the Interweb, every death has to be announced it seems. To be honest, we've never heard of this guy but his widow e-mailed us some shit so we thought we'd best report it with a bit of dignity and stuff.
So here goes, ahem....
Digby Stephens (whoever he is) has died. Digby is fondly remembered as the long-serving bass trombone player with the Runnymede (Magna Carta) Band. He is well respected by the band for his input at the 1984 Annual General Meeting, when he stood up and queried the £4.73 shown in the band's accounts under "secretary's postal costs".
Digby died on Tuesday morning whilst balancing atop a rickety stepladder trimming the hedges with a petrol driven chainsaw when his wife suddenly shouted, "Do you want a cup of tea, love?"
We are assured that all the bits will be in the coffin. It should be a cracking send off.
Tuesday 10 July 2012
Death of Chigley Boomslang MBE
The Ainley Top Bandstand has been informed of the death of Chigley Boomslang MBE.
Boomslang was for many years Musical Director of the Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew (It's the Final Countdown) Band of St. Neots-on-the-Tweed.
He died on Tuesday morning masturbating furiously whilst holding a tangerine in his mouth as as a Taiwanese lady boy urinated on his face, eventually suffocating (or drowning, we're not fucking doctors, what's the verdict?)
Anyway, he was well respected, etc.
It should be a cracking autopsy.
Boomslang was for many years Musical Director of the Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew (It's the Final Countdown) Band of St. Neots-on-the-Tweed.
He died on Tuesday morning masturbating furiously whilst holding a tangerine in his mouth as as a Taiwanese lady boy urinated on his face, eventually suffocating (or drowning, we're not fucking doctors, what's the verdict?)
Anyway, he was well respected, etc.
It should be a cracking autopsy.
St. Claire In Plans For Future
Group Captain Boothby St. Claire has announced that he has accepted the role of Musical Director with the Torbay Band.
St. Claire told the Bandstand, "People will know of my high profile departure from the Bournemouth Grenadiers Band due to artistic differences (that and being caught shagging the principal cornet player's wife)".
"I now relish the challenge of taking the Torbay Band to the next level. I bet Bournemouth Grenadiers are fucking fuming. Tough shit, I'm coming to get you Bournemouth Grenadiers. I can't wait for the Torquay Invitational Contest at the Spice Girls Museum, Torquay (tickets £3.50 or £5.00 on the door if not pre-booked). I'm gonna fucking have you and that fat bitch who wouldn't leave her husband when it came to the crunch. She was shit in bed anyway".
It should be a cracking contest.
Windermere Announce Announcement
The Windermere Colliery Band have announced that they will shortly be making an announcement about a forthcoming and very important announcement.
Band Manager Claude Toblerone told us, "There has been a lot of speculation from several people on the grapevine about an announcement and I think it only fair to tell our fans around the world that there will indeed be an announcement and this is the first announcement of that forthcoming announcement. Rest assured this is a big one so we didn't just want to announce it when it happened, we thought we'd announce that a further announcement is imminent just as soon as we can finalise the details of the next announcement".
Those who remember the film Brass Tacks (it was once shown on the QVC Banding Channel at 3am on a Thursday) will remember that Windermere Colliery was closed in 1978. Though it was originally successful, the powers-that-be finally realised the stupidity of building a colliery underneath a lake.
That same year the band competed at the Ambleside Open and won it, followed round by a man with a camera from the Thurlmere Gazette. Although not a remarkable achievement in banding terms the band celebrated by riding around Westmorland on an open top bus playing Aces High.
Brass Tacks veteran Simon Samsung said, "There were literally people in the street watching us. Thinking about it now it still brings a tear to my eye. Is this £200 for the interview or what? Only your mate said over the phone...."
Claude confirmed, "There will be an announcement shortly following this announcement to do with the forthcoming announcement. When we are ready to announce the announcement, which will be preceded by another announcement, we will finally announce the announcement. It won't be announced until we have worked out how to announce the announcement and we are still finalising the details of the announcement that will follow this announcement".
It should be a cracking announcement.
Band Manager Claude Toblerone told us, "There has been a lot of speculation from several people on the grapevine about an announcement and I think it only fair to tell our fans around the world that there will indeed be an announcement and this is the first announcement of that forthcoming announcement. Rest assured this is a big one so we didn't just want to announce it when it happened, we thought we'd announce that a further announcement is imminent just as soon as we can finalise the details of the next announcement".
Those who remember the film Brass Tacks (it was once shown on the QVC Banding Channel at 3am on a Thursday) will remember that Windermere Colliery was closed in 1978. Though it was originally successful, the powers-that-be finally realised the stupidity of building a colliery underneath a lake.
That same year the band competed at the Ambleside Open and won it, followed round by a man with a camera from the Thurlmere Gazette. Although not a remarkable achievement in banding terms the band celebrated by riding around Westmorland on an open top bus playing Aces High.
Brass Tacks veteran Simon Samsung said, "There were literally people in the street watching us. Thinking about it now it still brings a tear to my eye. Is this £200 for the interview or what? Only your mate said over the phone...."
Claude confirmed, "There will be an announcement shortly following this announcement to do with the forthcoming announcement. When we are ready to announce the announcement, which will be preceded by another announcement, we will finally announce the announcement. It won't be announced until we have worked out how to announce the announcement and we are still finalising the details of the announcement that will follow this announcement".
It should be a cracking announcement.
New Percussionist At Ticklewillies
The Ticklewillies Band have announced the signing of Jocasta Palmer on percussion (a drummer in old language).
Band chairman Lionel Dejavue said,"Jocasta has recently moved to the area as a student studying music at Ticklewillies Polytechnic. Being away from her parents for the first time we are hoping she will be exploring her sexuality and we hope to put a sympathetic arm around her shoulder and help her as much as we can".
"She has blonde hair and her legs are about eight foot long. Her tits are like fried eggs though but you can't have everything".
Jocasta said, "The band have been fantastic. In the pub after my first rehearsal they were all buying me drinks and offering to take me 'Up the Shitter', which I believe is a local attraction".
It should be a cracking contest.
Band chairman Lionel Dejavue said,"Jocasta has recently moved to the area as a student studying music at Ticklewillies Polytechnic. Being away from her parents for the first time we are hoping she will be exploring her sexuality and we hope to put a sympathetic arm around her shoulder and help her as much as we can".
"She has blonde hair and her legs are about eight foot long. Her tits are like fried eggs though but you can't have everything".
Jocasta said, "The band have been fantastic. In the pub after my first rehearsal they were all buying me drinks and offering to take me 'Up the Shitter', which I believe is a local attraction".
It should be a cracking contest.
Saturday 7 July 2012
Stuff Nicked - Probably Blacks or Gypsies
Miriam Hodgkiss, Chairman of the Justly St. Peters Band, has informed us of a theft of instruments.
She explained, "On Friday night, after our rehearsal, which was very successful and sets us up in good stead for our assault on the forthcoming Justly St. Peters Band Slow Melody Contest in the Church Hall, Justly St. Peters, we went for a piss up in our local, the Wild Salmon, Justly St Peters".
"On returning to our vehicles on the Monday morning, we found that a couple of instruments had been stolen."
Miriam said, "Knowing our luck it's probably blacks or gypsies. Or the fucking Irish. Or some Pole or Lithuanian. The fuckers are all over here taking jobs off of white men. They've ruined life in this lovely little English village. I woudn't trust the Chinese either, them at the take-away on the corner are nasty looking bastards".
"I don't like the Pakistani's either but, to be honest, I don't think they'd stoop so low as to nick brass instruments. They're too busy grooming under-age white girls for sex".
When she calmed down Miriam gave details of the instruments they are looking for. Like most bands they have no fucking idea who's got what. The best she could offer was:-
"There's a cornet gone, or we think it's a cornet. It'll be cornet-shaped, have three valves, maybe a water key or two. We think there's also a baritone, it'll be baritone-shaped, have three valves, maybe a water key or two".
"Mind you, there's a family of Jews moved into the Gables last week. I've seen their slitty-eyed littled kids. Maybe it's them what done it. Fucking Jews, you wouldn't trust'em, would you?"
She explained, "On Friday night, after our rehearsal, which was very successful and sets us up in good stead for our assault on the forthcoming Justly St. Peters Band Slow Melody Contest in the Church Hall, Justly St. Peters, we went for a piss up in our local, the Wild Salmon, Justly St Peters".
"On returning to our vehicles on the Monday morning, we found that a couple of instruments had been stolen."
Miriam said, "Knowing our luck it's probably blacks or gypsies. Or the fucking Irish. Or some Pole or Lithuanian. The fuckers are all over here taking jobs off of white men. They've ruined life in this lovely little English village. I woudn't trust the Chinese either, them at the take-away on the corner are nasty looking bastards".
"I don't like the Pakistani's either but, to be honest, I don't think they'd stoop so low as to nick brass instruments. They're too busy grooming under-age white girls for sex".
When she calmed down Miriam gave details of the instruments they are looking for. Like most bands they have no fucking idea who's got what. The best she could offer was:-
"There's a cornet gone, or we think it's a cornet. It'll be cornet-shaped, have three valves, maybe a water key or two. We think there's also a baritone, it'll be baritone-shaped, have three valves, maybe a water key or two".
"Mind you, there's a family of Jews moved into the Gables last week. I've seen their slitty-eyed littled kids. Maybe it's them what done it. Fucking Jews, you wouldn't trust'em, would you?"
Radio: Hark At The Racket
Monty Fanshawe apologises to fans, this Friday's "Hark At The Racket" on Diggle FM was withdrawn due to an announcing error. Fanshawe told us, "That drunk bloke who does the lunchtime news on Diggle FM, you know, the ironmonger from Glodwick, announced Vivat Regina the wrong way round so the show was taken off of air".
Anyways, you can hear Monty back with his show this next coming Friday on Diggle FM at 9.30pm. The line up of brass pericombobulations is:-
Marche Macaroon (Band of the Lindley Lancers)
The Shit Ginnel (Lancashire Republican Metals Band)
Pube In My Throat (Black & Decker Workmate Band - soloist Lisa Lovelabbs)
Oh No, She's Dead (Legolas Gimli Band)
The Swan On The Sparkly Lake (Touche Turtle Band - soloist Brian Mgogwe)
Rasta Bang Jew Hip Hop Mayhem (Daventry Youth Band)
Beige Jigsaw Mayhem
Gary Beige, the boring euphonium laiker with some band in Wales, has announced that he is doing a jigsaw. Beige told the Bandstand, "In between being a top euphonium player (not my words, the words of the Jakarta Bandsman after my successful solo tour of Indonesia), it is difficult to find time to relax. Yes, I have a young, starry-eyed student lass hanging off my arm but when you're caught up in the high-octane, push-it-to-the-limit world of euphonium recitals every other week, even sex gets boring".
"To be honest I've turned to jigsaws. I'm so burnt out after pushing euphonium playing beyond the glass envelope that I need a real come down. To date I'm working on a 3,000 piece jigsaw of Withernsea Lighthouse. If any Bandstand readers can give me advice on how to get all the bits of sky in that would help. The only trouble is, you see, they're all sky blue and different shapes. Some have a bit of cloud on but it's confusing".
"However, if I focus like I do on stage as the finest young euphonium player the world has seen since nobody else, I'm sure I can get a couple of corners done and then try to get the ice cream van finished".
"To be honest I've turned to jigsaws. I'm so burnt out after pushing euphonium playing beyond the glass envelope that I need a real come down. To date I'm working on a 3,000 piece jigsaw of Withernsea Lighthouse. If any Bandstand readers can give me advice on how to get all the bits of sky in that would help. The only trouble is, you see, they're all sky blue and different shapes. Some have a bit of cloud on but it's confusing".
"However, if I focus like I do on stage as the finest young euphonium player the world has seen since nobody else, I'm sure I can get a couple of corners done and then try to get the ice cream van finished".
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