Thursday 24 May 2012

Mavis did shit herself

Mavis Clutterbuck, the well-known face of the Leamington Spa Invitational Contest has admitted that she did shit herself on stage at this year's event.

Mavis, famous for the "Break a leg!" comment she has repeated to all competing bands backstage for 47 years, said, "I thought it was stomach cramp or a stitch. I thought I'd be safe to drop one but when my shitter rattled it all came out. I'm not joking there was shit everywhere, all down the back of my legs and running into my shoes. I wouldn't mind but the mayor and his wife were sat right behind me".

Clutterbuck's blushes were saved initially by contest controller Brian Ponticlare, who, magician-like, whipped the table cloth off the trophy table and huddled it around her shit-covered behind. She was escorted off stage and later claimed that she had "fainted".

However, she has now admitted that she did indeed shit herself on stage in front of the mayor and his wife. She said, "Fair cop, I shit myself, however I still look forward to next year's Leamington Spa Invitational. It should be a great event!"

The Mayor, Alderman Janus Golightly said, "It was me and my wife's first time at a brass band contest. We were bewildered. To be honest, we had better things to do with our day. Then this old woman shits herself in front of you. Never again."

Not many turn up

A source close to the Ainley Top Bandstand has informed us that a brass band put on a concert recently and not many people turned up.

Another source, who asked not to be named but is probably Owen Lefarge of Jensen Button Way, Lindley Brow, and who is not the original source though we have to admit he probably is 'cos he sounded very much like him, said, "It's true, not many turned up. You play the same old shit to the same three or four pensioners, it's a joke".

Ainley Top Bandstand reader Miles Reagan disagreed. Miles said, "A few years ago we were desperate for Lottery cash. To get it we had to promise to hand over our old instruments to kids and form a youth band. We couldn't be arsed, all we needed was the cash, but they kept sending auditors in to check so we stuck with it. Now, to be honest, we haven't looked back. Our youth band did a concert last weekend and there was 23 people there, and only 18 of them was parents of the kids involved".

Our source later admitted that he wasn't the source we thought he was originally but that he probably was.

Radio: More Hark At The Racket


More odious brass band drivel this Friday from Monty Fanshawe, Diggle FM, 9.30pm:-

The Trusty Condom (Linton Village Band)
Ode To A Titlark (Mason's Marrowfat Peas Band - soloist Noel Haemmorhage)
Why Fucking Bother (Band of the Carlecotes Cavaliers)
Lazin' a While (Minhampton & Minhampton Mills Band)
Shove It Right Up Me (Raggleby Invicta Band - soloist Mandy Throatjob)
Nigel's Procession To The Cobblers (The Homebase 20% Off This Bank Holiday Weekend Band)

Nonsense charity hair fire planned

Gary Nonsense, the mad and crazy conductor of the Emley Potatoe Works Band, is to set fire to his hair to raise money for charity.

Nonsense told the Ainley Top Bandstand, "Emley Potatoe Works Band has a reputation for being a bit nutty. We once spent a weekend at one of those God-awful contests held in a holiday camp and we all went round for the weekend in matching hoodies with our nicknames printed on the back in big letters".

In keeping with the bonkers outlook of the band, players challenged Gary to set fire to his hair on the bowling green outside Emley Cathedral next Saturday to raise funds for the Captain Kirk Star Trek Hospice.

Gary said, "I'm up for it. It's all for the Captain Kirk Star Trek Hospice. As Scotty would of said, 'Beam me up'. Well I'm going to set fire to my hair!"

The band hope to better the £13.72 raised for the Hospice last year when bass player Clyde Dibbins chopped his bollocks off on the roundabout in the school playground.

Thursday 10 May 2012

Death of Wile E. Coyote

The Ainley Top Bandstand has been informed of the death of Wile E. Coyote, star of the Roadrunner cartoons.

Coyote retired from cartoon work in 2007 and took up a position on the cornet bench at the Much Piddling (Buy One Get One Free) Band. He helped them to noteable successes, including third place at the Roehampton March & Bare Knuckle Brawling Contest in 2009.

He was killed when an unknown assailant painted a pretend tunnel on a rock face and he rode into it on rocket powered roller skates.

Charndyke open up

The Charndyke Band is opening its doors tomorrow for final preparations of Lenton Walker's "Systematic Incantations" ahead of their assault on the Senior Spoon contest at Morecambe Bay on Saturday.

Chairman Boothby Foghorn said, "We are one of a growing number of bands who cannot get to grips with the fact that nobody is remotely interested in hearing us rehearse a test piece. Placed at the back of the bandroom will be an old armchair, a buffet and a broken but useable office chair. It will be first come, first served for seating".

The rehearsal takes place at 7.45pm at the Bandroom, Snail Lane, Charndyke. Entry is free though donations towards the £700 fee for borrowed players would be appreciated.

Monday 7 May 2012

Cummerbund book launched


Lance Cummerbund, the well-loved banding lothario, has released his autobiography called “I Shagged ‘Em All” about his contesting sexual conquests. Cummerbund, a heavy drinker, has made his way through numerous plumpers, lumps, mullucks and trollops for no reason other than to pour his seed into one of their orifices.

Cummerbund told the Ainley Top Bandstand, “I’m glad the book has come to fruition, ‘cos I’ve had some shockers, let me tell you. There was this bird from Laidlaw’s Carpets Band, I did ‘er at Pontins. She was huge, her waist was ten times as wide as her head. She was sat in the buff on the end of the bed. I lifted her tit off her knee so as I could suck her nipple, but when I lifted it up there was woodlice crawling out from under her tit”.

“There was this other bird I did, a big lass from Pondukes Printers Band, I tried to rim her but when I pulled her arse cheeks apart there was all moss and stuff growing in there. She told me she never washed round the back ‘cos she was too fat to reach. I had to move a piece of bracken out the way to slip into ‘er back door”.

“I suppose the worst, aside from that 13-year-old at the Redcar Eisteddford that was never proven in court, was that big lass from Aubermuchty Brass that I did behind the bins at that contest at the Kajagoogoo Leisure Centre in Knutsford. No word of a lie, she had a snail in her belly button. Seriously, I was licking the top of her bush and a snail pops out of her belly button”.

“Mind you, there was that lass from the Branstons Pickles Band that had maggots in her fanny. Apparently she’d got so fat that her blood couldn’t circulate to the end of her labia so it had all died off and the bluebottles had laid eggs in it and stuff. That was a smell I’ll never forget!”

Cummerbund’s book “I Shagged ‘Em All” is available now priced £9.99.

Johansson for Boston Spa


The Boston Spa Town Band has announced the signing of Hollywood star Scarlett Johansson on solo trombone. Johansson will earn £7.50 a job and 20p per mile travel expenses. Her debut comes at next weekend's Lincoln Council Environmental Health Department Open.

An excited Johansson said, "I'm a little nervous, this is certainly my most challenging role to date. It doesn't help that they've picked Year of the fucking Dragon and I've only a week to get it up. It's safe to say I'll be proper shitting myself next Sunday".

Sunday 6 May 2012

Fritter critical of new youth band

Renowned conductor, Marsh Fritter has been openly critical of the new youth band set up by Pavement St Clare's Band, an openly male only ensemble.

'Is this new youth band accepting young girls into its ranks? If so, what are the prospects for these buxom, untouched, pretty little things should they not be permitted into the Pavement St Clare senior band? There will be hundreds of young girls, with those little legging things on and skimpy tops banging on the senior bands door.'

Fritter went on to say, 'All that talent wasted. I imagine these young girls will turn to drug addiction and prostitution, their bodies being soft and peachy. I can see hundreds of young girls in the band room, droplets of valve oil glistening in the sun upon their heaving breasts whilst they are being turned away from banding because of their gender. And indirectly their breasts.'

There is growing support for Fritter's views, with tens of letters and emails reaching us every couple of weeks or so.

We asked a neutral what their view on this was. They had this to say 'What the fucking hell are you going on about?'

Saturday 5 May 2012

Balderdash retains Bands In Concert Title



The Balderdash (Bensons for Beds) Band has retained their Bands In Concert Title after today's contest at the Les Dennis Aquadrome, Tilbury. They left the hall with the Poundstretcher Trophy and the top prize of £42.73 and a basket of fruit.

Conducted by "smiling assassin" Anthony Peasegood, the band gained 146 points out of 200, 3 points clear of nearest rivals Brass Band de Wildebeest from Belgium.

Adjudicator Clive Ottoway MBE said, "I needed today like a girl living alone needs a stalker. What a tawdry day of amateur music making. Quite sad, really".

A smiling Peasegood said of his team, "The band goes from strength to strength. We can now look forward to the Pointless & Very Far Away Entertainment Contest next month, where we will, of course, regurgitate the same old shite".

Pecton departs Bingley

13 year old cornet prodigy Peter Pecton has parted company with the Bingley Scouts Band. The band recently welcomed back former principal cornet star Reece Tainterbridge and there were rumours that Pecton's days may be numbered.

Band chairman Laurence Fishburn said, "Sadly, Peter has found it increasingly difficult to balance the band's schedule with his studies. Either that or his parents have bought him a dog that needs walking every evening. Something like that. We definitely haven't sacked him. No. No way. He's not been sacked just because Reece has come back to the band. No. Not sacked".

When we contacted Pecton he was in the bath, but his mum said, "The fuckers have sacked him".

Wednesday 2 May 2012

Bands In Terror Threat

A British intelligence agent has highlighted an incredible Al Qaeda plot to attack next year’s Area contests. Seen as a pillar of western society, brass banding is apparently now at risk of attack from fundamentalists.

Undercover MI6 agent codename “Beavertail”, but who we know better as Chris Shatliffe of 52 Wormald Crescent, Wetwang, said, “Intelligence suggests Al Qaeda are planning to attack one of the Area contests next year. On my first day at work last week they showed me where my desk was, where the bogs were and how to work the photocopier. Then they made me sign the Official Secrets Act. I intend to resign in the near future so I can write a no holds barred book and earn some wonga, but for now I can’t say a right lot. However, I felt that the brass band movement should be warned”.

Chris has specific advice for different Area contests as follows:-

North East (Alert Code: Green) – “This is the land that time forgot, full of defunct pit villages where there’s nowt but a corner shop selling strong cider, tobacco and Pot Noodles. As a result the risk is relatively low, but there is some chance of potential prank calls to contest organisers and minor vandalism of band coaches outside the venue”.

Yorkshire (Alert Code: Topaz) – “Some risk of an attack on catering, possibly including removing the fuse from the plug on the cooker or spitting in the mushy peas. Roller skates and/or marbles may be left on the staircases”.

Midlands (Alert Code: Tangerine) – “There is a risk of aspirin added to drinks in the bar area to try to make players a bit woozy and some possibility of incorrect signage being placed pointing the wrong way to registration”.

London & Southern Counties (Alert Code: Crimson) – “Al Qaeda would love to strike in the capital. Players wishing to take a bottle of water on stage will be forced to drink some in front of officials to prove it ain’t poison or summat. There is also a risk of kidnap of flugel horn players”.

Chris added, “I advise band members to remain vigilant and report anything suspicious to contest control”.

Tuesday 1 May 2012

Radio: Hark At The Racket


More tedious old-school brass band shite from Monty Fanshawe on Diggle FM this Friday at 9.30pm. This week's programme features:-

Oceans Ablaze (Trentby Senior Band)
Overture: Die Waffenfuffel (The Winmau Dartboards Band)
Concerto for Panpipes and Garden Hose (Paraplegic Brass Ensemble)
Stop Me and Buy One (Winnibago Brass)
The Frothing Flange (Pear Tree Silver - soloist Anna Wideon)
Horatio and the Vikings (Emley Potatoe Works Band)

Monthly Quiz: May

The prize for this month's quiz is £2.48, a bottle of mineral water and your choice of a pre-packed sandwich from our friends at Javi's Newsagents, Cludgeley. The question you have to answer is:-

At the 1934 Barnoldswick Invitational, held at the Hercule Poirot Leisure Centre, Barnoldswick, how many points out of 200 were awarded by adjudicator Lucius Ripley to the winning band? And what was that band's name?

Yes, that's two questions in one. Answers to the usual address - closing date 29th May.

200 not out for Oswaldtwistle

The Oswaldtwistle (Fenwicks Embalming Fluids) Band is celebrating its 200th anniversary with a series of special events throughout 2012.

Secretary Rita Liar said, "All early records of the band were destroyed when the old bandroom burnt down in 1974. Nobody could remember when it started, so we had a meeting in the pub and decided that it must be 200 years ago this year. This makes it by far the oldest brass band in the country, a fact that we have been proud to add to the website, which is now receiving 3 to 4 hits per month".

Players have been challenged to raise £200 by the end of 2012, a pound for every year it has existed. Rita said, "All sorts of ideas have been rolling in from the players, from staging cock fights in the Lame Labrador on Friday evenings to a sponsored wankathon. Watch this space!"

Syphillis for Moira Owens

Doctors have confirmed that legendary band slapper Moira Owens, 48, is in fact suffering from syphillis and not chlamydia, as had first been believed.

Bandsmen who have come into contact with Moira at recent contests are advised to contact their local clap clinic for a full health check.

Dr. Brian Lefevre, specialist in cock diseases at the University Hospital Wetwang told the Ainley Top Bandstand, "Those who have had sexual contact with Moira recently, particularly up the back door, and are now experiencing pain whilst pissing, or have suffered any form of pus-like discharge out of the end of their knob, should get checked out as soon as possible".

Moss Side Contest back on

Organisers have confirmed that the Moss Side March Contest in Manchester is back on and will take place on Saturday 26th May commencing at 2pm.

Bands will march from the roundabout where a 17-year-old youth was fatally stabbed two weeks ago to the row of boarded up shops where last week's drive-by shooting occurred. A contest march will then be performed in front of a crowd of single mothers and washed up tramps. The winning band will receive a bag of drugs with a street value in excess of £250 plus the Clinton Espedril Memorial Trophy.

To enter contact Barbara Tucket on Chorlton 73948.