The Greater Trumptonshire Police have carried out an armed raid on the premises of the English Banding Registry. The raid took place very early this morning, initially at the wrong address, what turned out to be a Chinese takeaway, but eventually at the correct Registry premises.
An elderley woman, thought to be 82-year-old Peggy Pawson, who has single-handedly run the registry voluntarily and without complaint for the last 40-odd years, was forcibly restrained before being manhandled out of the building and bundled into a waiting Police van.
Chief Inspector Giles Golightly told the Bandstand, "It appears that the suspect has run this particular establishment for 40 years or so in a very efficient and curteous manner and also voluntarily. However, in the modern world that is not good enough. The banding media began circulating rumours that once, earlier this year, she might of forgotten to do something. Worse still, it was alleged that a stapler may have gone missing along with several other sundry office items. Even worstist is the fact that she may never have used the computer that was provided for her in 1993, perhaps because she was confused by it. It is common in such cases for the computer to be traded in at the myriad of pawn brokers springing up on every high street so that the elderley lady involved can afford a pair of those zip up slipper boots to keep her feet warm through the winter".
Scenes of Crime Officers (or SOCO to those of you who watch crime dramas regularly) spent what must of been a good hour on site sifting through stuff. Eventually Chief Inspector Golightly said, "I can now confirm that we have not found the computer with which the suspect was allegedly provided with in 1993. If the alleged computer was there in 1993 then it is certainly not there now. If it was there in 1993, and I can't say if it was or not, but if it was, it may have been stolen sometime during the intervening years. Also, office records show discrepancies between the number of staples used between 1991 and 2007, as well as the possibility that a full pack of A4 paper has gone missing. An 82-year-old woman has been taken into custody and will be interviewed in the morning".
