Monday 25 June 2012

Luke Waters Does Nothing


Luke Waters, the internationally renowned cornet player who was recently sacked from the Todhills & Tebay Band, has informed the Bandstand that he has done nothing this week.

Waters said, "Like many in brass banding now I have a desire to tell everybody about what I am doing, every minute of every day".

"Sadly, this week, I have been doing nothing. Well, I went shopping on Tuesday and got some milk, some boil in the bag curries and stuff. But not a lot more".

He added, "I am just waiting for the right offer. I'm at a time in my life, at the age of 19, where I have seen it all and done it all. I can take my foot off the gas now and sit back and wait for the right opportunity".

"I'd love to give something back to the movement. To help some of those youth bands I grew up in. However, a lot of bands are desperate for cornet players at the right contests and, if I choose my time wisely, I might cop £10,000 a year off of someone no sweat".


"I'm ready for the right move. I don't want to get stuck with training bands or teaching kids and all that shit (unless it pays well). What I really want is just a top man job with a good lump of money. I'm sure the right offer will come along eventually!"

It should be a cracking contest!

Radio: Hark At The Racket


Monty Fanshawe has more time than usual to fill this Friday on Diggle FM at 9.30. Monty told us, "The guy who did the 10 o'clock traffic reports for Dobcross, Denshaw, Diggle and Delph was killed when his hang-glider went through Lydgate traffic lights on red and he was t-boned by the 624 to Lees. As a result I have more time to fill this week, which, for brass band fans, means even more time spent in our living rooms listening to brass bands and wondering what the rest of the world is doing outside meeting each other and stuff".

This special, never-to-be-repeated (unless they fill the 10 o'clock traffic vacancy by next week) will include:-

Royal Ascot March - Trowbridge (Thompsons Local) Band
Incubus Intata Cantata - The Keith Chegwin Brass Ensemble
Peel Aside Those Panties - Faye Off Of Steps Band (solist Mary Marbuckle)
Wet My Whistle - Garstang (Gordons Gin) Band
I Would Fuck You If Your Mother Weren't Watching - Shelby Sheldon & His Wind Orchestra
Your Waters Have Broken - Myleene Klass Brass (soloist Penny Smith)
Lend Us A Fag - The Bacon Wheat Crunchies Band
I Gave You An Orgasm - Firth of Clyde Band (soloist Magenta Brabinger)
St Jude and the Presbetaryans on the Isle of Bute - Tulisa Contostavlos Brass

Chetengwe for Simsdyke


The Simsdyke (Samsonite Suitcases) Band have announced the appointment of Mbobo Chetengwe on solo baritone.

Band secretary Audrey Drabble said, "I'm 58. I'm a frustrated librarian. I'm a virgin. Then I got the Internet, the next thing you knew I was e-mailing huge black men on death row in America trying to satisfy this itching in my silken glove".

Audrey continued, "Then I met Mbobo Chetengwe. He had been arrested and prisoned in Alabama for having the top two buttons of his shirt unfastened. Needless to say he was sentenced to death!"

"As I was chatting to him over the Internet, fingering my virgin silken glove through my cardigan, I found out that he was a simpleton. He cannot defend himself because he has an IQ of 23. However, I now know that he can also see into the future. He told me Welcome Lad would win the 3.30 at Chepstow and then went on to tell me that, if I got him out of prison, he would bash my librarian tuppence in with 18 inches of black meat".

"We needed a baritone player so I contacted the prison governor. He said it was fine and if I signed the appropriate paperwork they would fly him over strapped to a sack cart with a mask over his face, and a bigger one over his 18 inches of black meat".

"Now he's here I can't believe it. The irony is that when he's playing with the band he will have to have the top two buttons of his shirt fastened!"

Your Letters: June

Read it "upside down". Like most forums, the earliest letter is at the bottom, so start there and work your way up. (Can't believe we have to keep explaining that, you fucking idiots).

Guys, you do a great job but, just for the record, Maisie Foghorn was not the first female to play with the Grimsdyke (Go Compare) Band. Yes, she was the first to register, but in fact two years earlier the splitarse Sandra Mycock had guested with the band on the promenade in Barnsley. I should know because I fucked 'em both. Maisie had the bigger tits but I have to say that Sandra had a more fragrant vagina.
Laurence Leech
Grimsdyke

Great work with your website chaps, you provide a sterling service. However, might I suggest a little more care over your editorials? The Instow (Bleed the Radiators) Band did not fold in 1974. It did in fact fold in 1973. Yes, we did have a reunion concert in 1974 but we had already folded, in 1973.
Quantum Fizzicks
Instow

Minton Carambeu seems to have opened a can of worms with his letter degrading the fact that Caister played "Black & White Minstrels" with no blacks on stage. I remember a concert with the Toothill Octogenarians Band at the Rainforest Alliance Bandstand, Grooby, when we played Bantock's "Frogs of Aristophenes" and there wasn't a Frenchman in sight! Touche, mon chere!
Stanley Dwyer
Grooby

Lobby Tuttlington should look a little closer to home! Herman Shamsby was NOT the conductor of the Hornsby (Pickled Onion Monster Munch) Band at the 1877 Flimsby Open. It was, in fact, Quenton Quagmire who successfully directed them to their defence of the title. Do I win this month's prize as best user of Google, or what?
Michael Lay-Preacher
Aspidistra-on-Sea

Just a comment on the recent concert in Formby Cathedral by the Caister (Wadman Winnebagos) Band. My wife and I couldn't help but notice that throughout the performance of "Black & White Minstrels" they didn't have a single black person on stage. Surely this has gone too far?
Minton & Mavis Carembeu
Formby

Mr. O'Riley would surely know that openess (I quote his letter) should actually be spelled as openness. I will defend brass banding's paedophiles as much as the next man, but not with incorrect spelling!
Laars Oouisterhuisen
Gdansk

John Roebuck has a strange view of brass banding if he suggests that all contests should resort to open adjudication and pre-draws. We could have done with more openess when Hector Grainger got done off of the courts for fiddling with that 14 year old girl during cornet lessons. That was brushed right under the carpet. Maybe Mr. Roebuck should remember the privacy of banding's paedophiles when suggesting so much openess?
Tommy O'Riley
Padstowe

I am trying to trace a brass band LP that my father used to play on Sunday afternoons whilst I was growing up. All I know is that it had a picture of the band on the front, possibly with some trophies in front of them. I can't even remember the colour of the uniforms. I remember it so well that I've forgotten what tracks were on there. However, if the knowledgeable readers of the Bandstand can help it would be, just, like, awesome.
Peter Shrew
Lower Legg

Perry Mason take English Contest

The Perry Mason (was he the one in the wheelchair, oh no, that was Ironside) Band took the English Contest title at the weekend.

More than six bands contested in front of almost 25 people and it was a humdinger! But it was The Perry Mason (was he the one in the wheelchair, oh no, that was Ironside) Band what took the title.

Whilst their performance of the set work, Ethelred the Unready's "I Didn't Burn the Cakes It Was That King Alfred" left something to the imagination, their no-holds-barred showing of own choice selection "Gloria, Gloria, In Vulvatum Vaginum" by Lenny Henry powered them to the top prize.

And so The Perry Mason (was he the one in the wheelchair, oh no, that was Ironside) Band waltzed out of the Macey Grey Theatre with the top prize of £72.84, a kettle and a bag of tangerines with a right smile on their faces off of what they had just done.

Adjudicators Sir Simon Frisbee-Hughes and that other bloke who is always in the box said, "We found the winning own choice performance so insightful, so moving, like a tear running down the cheek of a golden child and plopping gently into a crystal blue pond whilst angels hovered above it all singing ABBA with a dildo and stuff".

The best soloist award went to Claude Gibbons, principal cornet of the Take That JLS Band who wasn't even at the contest due to illness and had someone else shovel it in for him. He said, "I wasn't here, I didn't play, I've just arrived, however it is amazing to collect this trophy, where are the photographers?"

Youngest player went to 3-year-old Chloe Shankers who excelled on tuned percussion for the Openshaw (Books Are Kept In Libraries) Band. The rest of their performance, however, was shite.

Wednesday 20 June 2012

Radio: Hark At The Racket


Monty Fanshawe has recovered from ingrowing nasal hair and now offers even more brass banding "pick 'n' mix" this Friday on Diggle FM at 9.30pm:-

Jack, Queen, King (Kirby Muxloe Band)
Overture: Die Leerdammer (Trapdoor Town Band)
I Shouldn't Touch You There (Wesley Snipes Band: flugel soloist Claire Torniquet)
Sniff My Outpourings (Autoglass Repair, Autoglass Replace Band)
Fingered In a Bus Shelter (Grimsby Fish Band: panpipe soloist Natalie Gobble)
A Degree In Accountancy (The Cillit Bang Bang)

Torpedo for Fullsby

Organisers of the Fullsby Open have announced that Claude Beowald's "Torpedo" has been chosen as the set work.

They have also announced the first ever "post-draw" in banding.

Contest Secretary Lionel Girder said, "For many years contests have toyed with pre-draws. We are having a post-draw".

The idea is that bands will roll up whenever they fancy and lay down a performance. The adjudicators (and they are good ones including Wing Commander Clive Spiffing from the RAF Band or summat) will then place the performances in order from the draw.

However, bands will then meet up a month later to draw numbers out of a bag and finally see what result they end up with.

Girder said, "Imagine the best band on the day play number one and nail it! It's all still in the melting pot. Then we meet a month later and the shittiest band on the day might, post-respectively, draw number one out of the bag and win it!"

It should be a cracking contest.

English Contest In Full Swing

The English (No Blacks, Asians, Jews or Welsh) Contest is taking place this Saturday in Chorley, Lancs.

The full list of bands attending has been whittled down to very few. A representative of one band that has withdrawn, who asked not to be named, but we know is Gordon Greatorex of Lincoln Logistics Band, said "This fucker is gonna cost us £4,000 when you get the band in a hotel, pay the bus and a money-grabbing MD for the day. We could piss that up the wall and then, if we even qualify, we have to raise another £40,000 to get to the European Eistedffod in Azaerbaijan. It's a no-brainer, fuck it off".

However, several bands have not "fucked it off" and some will be there on stage, weather permitting. They will have to go through the indignity of playng not one, but two, test pieces in front of a hall packed with at least 17 people.

The goal is to make it to Azerbaijan, where the winning band will be able to mix with others from throughout Europe who are actually still enthusiastic about it all.

Greatorex added, "its alright over there, those fuckers are swimming with money off of their councils and stuff and actually love brass banding. For most of us in the UK we still ask ourselves why we bother".

It should be a cracking contest.

Thursday 14 June 2012

Masterclass: Percussion



Roy Spleen is principal percussionist (what we would call a drummer) with the West Mercia St. Maggots Band. In this latest Ainley Top Bandstand Masterclass, Roy says:-

"Playing percussion generally involves hitting different stuff in the right place as loudly as possible, though some conductors may require a quieter dynamic from time to time".

"A range of different sticks is crucial to obtain varying effects. I have a pair of F1's, some WD40's, Fireball XL5's, a pair of BBC 3's especially imported from the Congo and a Big Twatter 5000 bass drum stick".

"Tuned percussion is fraught with danger because you need to look at what you're hitting so can't watch the conductor at the same time. Remember, he has no choice but to follow you! This is particularly true once you get on stage as there is nothing he can do to stop you and he is totally helpless!"

"Finally, older brass band music requires little or no percussion so boredom can become a factor. I take a pornographic magazine to rehearsals to flick through during the dull bits, though if you are tempted to play with yourself stand behind the bass drum so nobody can see".

Have fun and good luck!



Radio: Hark At The Racket


More inconsequential brass band music from Monty Fanshawe this Friday on Diggle FM:-

Jaupinder Jalfrezi (Mumbai Maharaja Band)
Let's Touch Each Other (Cromer Custard Creams Band)
I'll See You On The Scaffolding (Nintendo Wii Band - soloist Diddy Kong)
Set Fire To a Tramp (The Fearne Cotton Jazz Band)
Mix My Marimbas (Netherton Nutty Slack Band - soloist Elsie Haymaker)
He Should Play Le Tissier (The Band of the Mark Lawrenson Regiment)

Samways for Waldteufel

Former Everton footballer Vinnie Samways has accepted the solo cornet seat at the Waldteufel (Autoglass Repair, Autoglass Replace) Band.

Samways said, "This is a totally new direction for me. I've never picked up a cornet before, even though I was once responsible for marking Steve Stone in the 83rd minute of a game against Nottingham Forest a while ago".

"However, the band are being very patient with me while I learn the valves and stuff".

Waldteufel band manager Hubert Frisby said, "Having a player of Vinnie's experience is fantastic. He is so competent and assured that, once he learns the valves and stuff, he will be the ideal man to lead our assault on the Virgin Trains Ginsters Pasties Contest at the Richard Madeley Aerodrome next month".

Saturday 9 June 2012

Take the Weight for Open

Judd Bovinger's "Take the Weight" has been chosen as the set work for this year's Bobby Davro Open, to be held on the roundabout above the chip shop at Simmery-St-Bees.

Judd said, "I chose the title 'Take the Weight' because I saw people taking the weight - off their lives. They were taking the weight - off their lives. Then I sat down and started to write stuff".

"It was going on for hours then someone said, 'Hey Judd, its brass banding, we only need 15 minutes worth. So I compressed it all into 15 minutes'."

"To have to think about taking the weight off your life then, because of brass band contests, have to deliver within certain 15-minute parameters is, frankly, a load of shite. It stifles composers."

A man standing next to me said , "This should be a cracker of a test piece".

Binsley Heads For South Africa

Martin Binsley, the 3rd Section-renowned solo cornet player with the Tree Creepers (Take The Weight) Band is off to South Africa on banding adventures.

Martin told the Bandstand, "I'm off to South Africa. It's just a holiday for me and the wife, Mavis. But having such a high profile as we do over here I hope to hook up with some South African bands and do stuff like banding and shit".

President of the South African Brass Band Association, Norman de Boer, said, "We're fine thanks".

Wednesday 6 June 2012

Whit Win For St Bedes

The St Bedes (Pattersons Pitchforks) Band celebrated victory at the famous Whit Saturday marches at the weekend. Their haul of two 3rds, a 5th, a 7th and a disqualification due to a clerical error saw them take the overall title, just pipping Brass Band Bazinga-Hauptbrau from Switzerland.

St Bedes chose to perform a new arrangement of Missy Elliott's Get Yer Freak On down the street and Clarence Bumthrow's famous contest march Just You Wait And See on the stand.

The evening was marred by tragedy at the Diggle contest, where a trawler capsized with the loss of all hands. Meanwhile, across at Lydgate, two men were slightly hurt by an out of control bass drum.

The public again entered into the spirit of the event, treating it as an excuse for an all day bender and violent confrontations. They again revelled in swinging punches and throwing lumps of police horse shit at bands as they marched past.

Meanwhile, over in Tameside, two men and a dog watched three bands cover the circuit. The winner there was Chertsey Silver, who took the overall prize and a cheque for £17.40.

Radio: Hark At The Racket


More greatly unpalatable brass band music from Monty Fanshawe on Diggle FM this Friday at 9.30pm

Put the Clocks Back (Paignton Lifeboat Band)
Felch My Ring (Compton Cement Works Band - soloist Lucy Rogue)
The Tales of Toby Wainwright (Feltham Young Offenders Band)
Slippery Dick (Guntly Browncrack & Her Band - soloist Maisie Chambers)
Big Loud Shite (Horncastle C of E Band)