Radio: Let's Talk About Me, etc.

Major General Fred Stanton says Bah Humbug to turkey and mistletoe and painful encounters with members of the family that you don't really like, as he looks to wash our Christmas memories away with his radio show "Let's Talk About Me But Also Listen To Some Brass Band Music Along The Way" upon Radio London at 9.30pm this Friday.

Stanton told the Bandstand, "Our family is having a super Christmas at our holiday home on the shore of Lake Garda, what is in a very glamorous part of Italy. My son is here along with my extremely attractive daughter-in-law-to-be. The Christmas crackers, what me and the wife bought from Harrods in October, was exceptional. One of them had a diamond in! But that is Christmas on Lake Garda! We will spend a few more days on Lake Garda but thankfully I have pre-recorded this Friday's radio show. I must put the phone down now since my daughter-in-law-to-be is skinny dipping in the lake and my wife and son are holed-up in the very expansive holiday home we own on Lake Garda discussing the pain that was caused to both of them whilst I was off overseas on service with various military bands. I may now swim out and try to finger her".

What Stanton also told us was also that this Friday's show will also comprise of:-

March: We Fired a Shell At Them and Now They Are Dead [Taunton Snow Shovels Band]
Overture: Gilles du Compt d'Agincourt [The Band of the Leicester Lifeguards]
Tinkerin' Tombells [Clutterspinge Colliery Band]
Dry Penetration [St. Herbert-on-Sea Padstow Spinakers Band - soloist Norbert von Creme]
The Legend of Arngeir the Viking [Brass Band Hauksbok Bjorngolf]
Cornet Cumfluffance [Hovis Bread Band]
Hold My Hand, You Slag [Jewcock Village Band: Soloist Tracey Titterluster]
Barnsley Apocalypse [Cudworth Engineering Band]

Chonbibbly Buck the Trend!

The Chonbibbly (Consierge Exocet Missiles) Band have bucked the trend by announcing that they will not, no way, not even never, be starting a youth band.

Band manager Giles Limberg said, "It is very popular these days for brass bands to launch a youth band. We all want to continually bombard the movement with positive spin and PR, and embracing the average elderley brass band concert punter and band supporter with news of embracing kids (but not in a dodgy way, like we did in the past) is seen as a way of endearing us to these people. However, we have decided that a youth band is not the way forward".

"We have found that brass banding is full of expensive cheats and charlatans who fail to deliver on their promises and simply do not justify the money lavished upon them. Our last harvest festival raised £173.44 and we took all the stuff ourselves. I suppose we are lucky in that Alan on Eb bass is a good gardener and brought a load of veg and Jean on third cornet is an excellent baker so we had the pies and flapjacks".

"Two months later a bloke arrived on the scene who said he would take us to the Area Contest and we would most likely win with him, but it would cost us £200 cash-in-hand. We went with him and came 10th. Even with the £173.44 we raised at the harvest festival we were still £26.56 out of pocket. And that's only because the band all walked the 34 miles to the contest so we didn't have to book a bus".

"Starting up a youth band would only open us up to more money-grabbing thieves. It ain't gonna happen. Not on my watch".

Trappings of Success for Clayton!



The Clayton Fylingdales Band have announced the appointment of the young-ish but still vastly experienced Simon Trappings as musical director.

Band spokeswheel Brian Pendragon said, "He was the only applicant. We are all very excited that he will now be standing in front of the band at next year's Whitby & District Area Contest. Hopefully we will finally be able to push the Robins Hood Bay Band, who have qualified from our Area for the last 87 years virtually unchallenged".

Trappings said, "I left University with a conducting degree and set myself some life goals, so as to pace my progression to the unltimate goal. Whilst I have waited almost 10 years for my first conducting job, despite applying for countless of them, a job like this was ironically first on my list! This is definitely my first step on the banding property ladder and I am countlessly excited!"

Win In Our Christmas Quiz!

If you is stuffed with turkey and mistletoe now and has had literally your Good King Wenceslas-Last drink of the festive season like what we and Malcolm are then you is in luck! For you can win big in our Ainley Top Bandstand Christmas Quiz!

We have up for grabs a bottle of Banana Flavour Valve Oil worth £3.50 from our friends at Pratt & Witney and their new Fruits of the World Organic Valve Oil Range. They are anxious to point out that their valve oil is highly toxic and should not be treated like a fruit drink. This potentially-fatal-if-ingested-directly liquid is also available in Strawberry, Kiwi Fruit, Mango and Slops of the Forest flavours.

We are also putting up for grabs a real banana and a photograph of the Leighton Buzzard Band circa 1929 in a slightly damaged frame.

To win this spectacular prize pot just give us the name of the winning conductor at this year's St. Mingus Shield Contest.

Because we are desperate for people to get in touch we will give clues, amongst the following of which will be:-

1. He (or she) conducted the winning band at that contest, hence the answer required
2. He was married to a Japanese cornettist briefly before a hastily-arranged divorce after he was shopped for having ulterior liaisons with that 17-year-old horn player from the Dewsbury Drifters Band
3. He was banned from adjudicating in the mid-1990's for being caught masturbating in the box at the 1994 Shrewsbury Invitational.

If you know who he, or even she, okay its not a she, is, then simply contact us through the usual channels within an hour.

Housing Estate Trapped By Carolling Band!

A housing estate in Bincaster has been trapped by a carolling band that refuses to move unless residents put money in their bucket. The Bincaster Temperance Band first set up camp last Tuesday and haven't moved since.

Estate resident Mike Clumber said, "It all started last Tuesday. They came onto the estate playing carols. It was a bit of fun at first, we brought the kids to the front door to laugh at people grovelling for money. Then they came back on Wednesday, then again on Thursday. Then they did Friday and stayed for the weekend and it's still going on this week. I can't get to work now unless I stop at their carolling corden and put yet another pound coin in their bucket".

Local Councillor Dermont Senior said, "This brass band moved in over a week ago and haven't left. They are still grovelling for money and the residents on that estate are now officially trapped. They cannot move in or out of their homes without putting something into this brass band's collecting bucket. Frankly, they are sick of it, they have suffered too much. We will be holding a council meeting in the New Year where we will discuss moving this brass band on".

Neighbourhood Watch spokesman Nigel Leghorn said, "If it was starving kids in Africa or soldiers coming back from Afghanistan with limbs missing, folk could understand it. But all these fuckers want is to fleece us for every penny we've got so they can blow it on an expensive idiot to take them to the next Area contest. We are all trying to do something for the greater good but these brass banders just want to collect their own selfish money to waste upon themselves as they see fit."

It could be a long-running siege.

Armed Police raid on English Banding Registry

The Greater Trumptonshire Police have carried out an armed raid on the premises of the English Banding Registry. The raid took place very early this morning, initially at the wrong address, what turned out to be a Chinese takeaway, but eventually at the correct Registry premises.

An elderley woman, thought to be 82-year-old Peggy Pawson, who has single-handedly run the registry voluntarily and without complaint for the last 40-odd years, was forcibly restrained before being manhandled out of the building and bundled into a waiting Police van.

Chief Inspector Giles Golightly told the Bandstand, "It appears that the suspect has run this particular establishment for 40 years or so in a very efficient and curteous manner and also voluntarily. However, in the modern world that is not good enough. The banding media began circulating rumours that once, earlier this year, she might of forgotten to do something. Worse still, it was alleged that a stapler may have gone missing along with several other sundry office items. Even worstist is the fact that she may never have used the computer that was provided for her in 1993, perhaps because she was confused by it. It is common in such cases for the computer to be traded in at the myriad of pawn brokers springing up on every high street so that the elderley lady involved can afford a pair of those zip up slipper boots to keep her feet warm through the winter".

Scenes of Crime Officers (or SOCO to those of you who watch crime dramas regularly) spent what must of been a good hour on site sifting through stuff. Eventually Chief Inspector Golightly said, "I can now confirm that we have not found the computer with which the suspect was allegedly provided with in 1993. If the alleged computer was there in 1993 then it is certainly not there now. If it was there in 1993, and I can't say if it was or not, but if it was, it may have been stolen sometime during the intervening years. Also, office records show discrepancies between the number of staples used between 1991 and 2007, as well as the possibility that a full pack of A4 paper has gone missing. An 82-year-old woman has been taken into custody and will be interviewed in the morning".

Radio: Hark At The Racket

Undeterred by the launch of Major General Fred Stanton's new show, the irrepresible Monty Fanshawe has announced the latest line-up for his competing radio show this coming Friday at 9.30pm on Diggle FM. The show amounts to:-

March: The Great Big Bomb [Pontefract Cokeworks Band]
Overture: The Giddy Jewish Virgin [Masons Marrowfat Peas Band]
Tales of Ugbor the Remarkable [Brass Band der Oder Lomskirk]
Please Shave Your Fanny, My Sweetheart [Tower Hamlets Band: soloist Otto Gunganwe]
Venom of the Chinese Viper [Massed Bands of the Cotswolds]
Theme from Batfink [Dunstons Dining Room Tables Band]
The Troublesome Trout [CWS Narcliffe Band: soloist Michael Fleischer]
Songs of the Winds of the Arctic Circle [De Lorean Cars Band]

Brass Band Aid Launch Malawi Trombone School

Brass Band Aid, the charity that saw hundreds of brass bands club together earlier this year to raise over £250,000 for charity has finally achieved its objective. The money has enabled the charity to build a Trombone School in Malawi.

Trustee Mitchell Laymore said, "The school will provide free tuition in wearing crisply pressed cotton trousers and knocking out a few unrecognisable tunes on trombone. It will make such a huge difference to the people of Malawi, who were desperately short of trouser discipline and brass playing ability. We cannot thank all the bands what helped us achieve our goal enough!"

Chief of Malawi's Uteke Um-Bongo tribe, Mboto Mbanda, said, "We were hoping for a well with clear running water, or at least a flushing toilet. Now we get a trouser and trombone school".

Mitchell Laymore said, "Next year we will call on those same brass bands to pull together to raise another £250,000! This will go towards setting up the first  ever Malawi National Brass Band Championship with a separate award for smartest trousers!"

Enter Area at your peril say BERBB!

The British English Registry of Brass Bands has warned bands to enter their Area contests at their peril. Armed with their new, hastily designed logo, the organisation, it seems, is set for some serious sabre rattling.

Chairdrone Arthur Trowell said, "Bands should not enter their Area contests at the behest of the EBR or the RE. If they disagree with any of this stuff that has not been properly explained to them and which, as a consequence, they do not understand, then we urge them not to enter their Area contests".

"As we speak the BERBB is looking into setting up their own Area contests. Not only that but we hope to hold the National Final in outer space! We are going to be bidding for the moon on Ebay and are also applying for Arts Council funding to cover the cost of rockets, space suits and stuff for the winning bands!"

"We urge all bands not to enter their current Area contests until we have been given a chance to formalise our Moon Contest Finals proposal!"

Beige for Japan!

Systematically self-promoting young euphonium legend Gary Beige has announced that he will spend the New Year in Japan.

Beige has been invited to spend New Years Eve with the Matagishi Manga Band of Tokyo, at which he will perform two pieces at their New Years Eve concert in Tokyo bandclub.

Beige told the Bandstand, "Christmas is all about family. I like to think back to my working class roots on that council estate in Oswestry. To spend Christmas with your family is priceless. However, I have the chance to fly all-expenses-paid to Japan for New Years and get some good promotional stuff onto my website out of it. The family can fuck themselves, I'm off to Japan".

"To wake up on New Years day and look out of my hotel window over the roof of the Taj Mahal to the snowy peak of Mount Kilimanjaro will be a life-changing yet humbling experience!"

"However, my army of fans in the UK needn't worry. I can confirm that I will be back home competing at the Areas, assuming all registration issues have been sorted out!"

Puntlins issue rape and kiddy fiddling warning

Organisers of the forthcoming Puntlins Bands in Concert event at the Puntlins resort at Frogmorton-on-Sea have issued a hard-hitting warning about potential rape and kiddy fiddling on site.

Puntlins Director of Communications, Peter Hasgood, said, "We are running a weekend-long brass band contest on a holiday camp. We realise it is quite likely that rape and child abuse will take place. Up until now the brass band movement has managed to keep all this sort of stuff quiet, sweep it under the carpet with a stiff upper lip. In fact some of our leading lights in banding are only there because brass banding as a movement ignored rape and paedophilia or because the victims daren't report it. Some of them have to openly flog their new CD's whilst feeling slightly guilty about what sex crimes they did in the past and the lives they ruined. However, the world has changed now. Nowadays you only have to touch a female student inappropriately and the News of the World is running on overtime".

"So we are warning young girls coming to the contest that they may be raped and or kiddy fiddled, depending on their age. The poster sums it up. What it says is if that happens to you at Puntlins then we have already warned you about it and can be held in no way responsible, legally".

Women Bandroom Parking Issue!

A study by the University of Cartworth Moor has revealed that the average female player struggles to park in their bandroom car park.

Lay-Professor of Female Parking Studies Professor Sam Tippett said, "Bandroom car parks are notoriously short of space. Most of them are not fit for purpose and simply cannot accommodate the number of cars bands would be expecting on a successful night. In the study we carried out over three months we have seen some shocking parking by birds outside the bandroom."

In one case the team saw a space wide enough for two double decker buses laid end-to-end but, because she was reversing in, she managed to somehow turn sideways on and effectively wedge herself between the parked vehicles. Lay-Professor Tippett said, "Getting out of her car you'd have thought she'd have spotted the shit parking but she simply took her flugel horn out of the boot that she could only just open wide enough because of backing up sideways too far on to the car alongside her, and waltzed into the bandroom without a care in the world, probably still day-dreaming about the shoes and handbags she had been shown on Loose Women earlier that day".

In another case the team monitored a space alongside a bandroom that was perfect to reverse park a large vehicle into. Tippett told the Bandstand, "This splitarse rolled up in a little Japanese hatchback. She stopped alongside the space and thought for a while, checking her makeup in the mirror and reapplying her mascara whilst drivers behind were honking their horns. Then she decided to leave the space alone and go and park three quarters of a mile away and walk to band."

But what is the solution? Lay-Professor Tippett has the answer. "If brass bands are serious about welcoming female members, they will have to make their car parks a lot larger to accommodate the poorly thought out and inconsiderate parking that goes along with it".

St. Waylands Hoping To Be Hot As Mustard!

The St. Waylands Band from Chinnery-on-the-Wold have announced that Colonel Mustard off of Cluedo has been appointed to lead them at next year's Dearneshire Area Contest.

Excited Band Secretary Marjorie Outhwaite told the Bandstand, "To secure the services of Colonel Mustard is absolutely unbelievable. His knowledge of moderately popular board games should set us up nicely for that cunning game of chess that is the average Area Contest!"

"To make him feel at home we have even added our own Miss Scarlett to the team! On 2nd horn! Let's hope he doesn't do her in the Library with his length of lead pipe!"

A bemused Colonel Mustard said, "I have spent the last forty years living in various people's lofts waiting to be brought down into daylight on Christmas Day to save the family from having to talk to each other. But the really galling thing about all this was that the American's changed the name of the game to Clue. Why the fuck would they do that? Cluedo is only two syllables, yet the Americans have to water even that down to one syllable to be able to sell it. That really fucked me off!"

"Anyway, I shall take command of the St. Waylands Band and quite probably catch their Miss Scarlett in the Library and do her over with my length of lead pipe. At least I'll finally be able to empty my Professor Plums!"

Boom! Boom!

More of your Letters!

From the Marston Dam disaster to the Registry via the Rotherham Recluse this is where we really whip you up into a frenzy by hand-picking only the most controversial letters that should whip up even more site traffic for us and encourage sponsors to strart getting on board! And there's also someone slagging off the Windermere Colliery Band! Go on, keep logging on, it all happens here!

Laughton Verdant should check his facts! If he did he would see that Talulah Hodgkiss guested with the Wrigby Wrought Iron Band in the 1930's. So she almost certainly played with an all-male band before what he claimed was 1953!

Jebson Oldright

Mintbury

 

I can't stress enough how disappointed I was to be in attendance at the Windermere Colliery Band's recent concert at the St. Plasgo Assembly Halls, Nubert-on-Sea. It was obvious to me and several others amongst the crowd of forty two that a couple of players walked onto the stage with slightly wonky bow ties. One of them, we suspect, wasn't even a member of the band. Yes, my wife and I paid £7.50 to listen to a borrowed player! Then they went on to perform the tired, lame old programme that was clearly advertised on the posters that were up when my wife and I bought our tickets! To say we were disappointed is no longer dramatic enough. I would say hang your heads in shame Winderwere Colliery Band and also we may still sue you if we find a solicitor who will take it on.

Brian & Mary Taunton

St. Saviour-on-the-Well

 





So here we are again! Brass banding has sold it's soul down the river with the Registry mess we've gotten ourselves into. As a pompous know-it-all I will simply say, I told you so!

Nigel Sayso

Guiseppe-Varso

 

Is it true that if I can't be bothered with this Registry thing and don't get myself a registration card from any of them then I won't have to do any more fucking contests?

Gary Player

(Name and Address supplied)

 

It is very rare that I feel the need to put my thoughts down in writing but, having read your recent Editorial, I finally found the need to send you a letter.

Margaret Mustoe

Deadilus



Last Minute Gift? Congealing has the answer!

If you is stuck for ideas off of what to buy the brass band geek in your family for Christmas then cornet impresario Murdo Congealing has the answer! It is his new solo CD!

Murdo joined forces with the band of what he is currently top man, the Carshalton Corduroy Fabrics Band, to produce this expensive piece of plastic.

Congealing told the Bandstand, "I would like to thank all my friends in the Carshalton Corduroy Fabrics Band for their awesome playing and support throughout the recording! It is safe to say that this should raise all our respective media profiles and also suffice to say that I would not of trusted the recording of this CD with a band other than them! They are simply the best and, also, conveniently, the band of which I am currently principal cornet!"

"It was a bit of a rush job to get it onto your website in time for Christmas and I've only had chance to quickly listen to a couple of the tracks. However, it all sounds good!"

The CD includes:-

Cornet Comeuppance
Festering Boils
The Exciting Swing
Carnival du Hinchliffe Mill
The Outspoken Feminist
Quick Ride on a Portly Chinese Girl
Rumbago Fornication
Ladies In Petticoats
Throttle the Bitch
Nigel Plainduff's Concerto for Cornet
Whoops, Mrs. Wormald
Jingley Jewels
The Jealous Fighter Pilot

Registry Masterclass: Horton Grimbald

The Bandstand is pleased to announce a masterclass on the current and ongoing Registry debate given by none other than well-respected brass band forum nose-poker-inner Horton Grimbald.

Under his online pseudonym of the East Anglian Sailing Boat Merchant, Grimbald has hijacked many an online brass banding thread by pompously talking down to people and claiming to have the solution to every banding problem.

He told the Bandstand, "It is no great surprise that the Registry debate has caused confusion and apathy within the banding movement. Most people still involved with brass banding lead sheltered lives and are slightly backward, perhaps retarded, but in a positive way. Here, I will use my far greater knowledge and intellect to explain exactly what is happening with the Registry so that all shall benefit".

"What the average brass band faces is two, or possibly three, distinct choices. You can continue with the EBR (English Banding Registery) or switch over to the BERBB (British English Registry of Brass Bands). However, do not forget that there is also the RE (Registration England plc)".

"Those bands attending their local Area contests under the BERBB or the RE scheme should be okay, But those attending with EBR cards will not be allowed at the National finals were they to qualify, because they have announced that they will only take cards of either the BERBB or the RE and definitely not the EBR."

"However, if you are attending the Area purely for grading points, i.e. you are shit and have no preconceptions about possibly winning, the EBR would be the way to go. This will still enable you to attend most of the tinpot march contests held throughout the summer, who, in a rather spiteful way, have suddenly clubbed together and said that they will not accept the BERBB or the RE cards at their events and will insist on EBR cards".

"But there is still a very real danger that the BERBB could yet merge with the EBR in an effort to undermine the RE. But the RE are also in talks with the BERBB to possibly agree a communal way forward and screw the EBR".

"And yet the EBR could still align with the RE to put the final nail in the coffin of the BERBB".

"It is all still in the melting pot and I could not blame a commercial website like your own for stirring it up beyond belief. In fact I know that you know that there was some stuff nicked from the EBR offices by disgruntled employees of the BERBB. If I was you I would report it to the Police!"

Radio: Major General Fred Stanton

Major General Fred Stanton, the perfectly self-promoting brass band media puppet, has announced the launch of a brand new radio show for brass band enthusiasts, whatever they are.

Stanton told the Bandstand, "Move over amateurs! The premier brass band radio show is starting now, but not on provincial radio, this will be on Greater London FM, so it may even influence people from other art forms, including orchestras, of which I am also very experienced and ready for work, should they choose to listen, which I suppose with my name attached they probably will".

"Unlike the amateurish shit we have been forced to listen to so far, this show will be professionally produced, advertised across several musical spheres of influence and, most importantly, bear the logo of Greater London FM. Even more importantly it will be presented by me. My autobiography 'Let's Talk About Me' is still widely available in all good bookshops."

With such a trumpeted opening, Stanton had to nail an absolute barnstormer of a programme and he has certainly not disappointed. The new show entitled 'Major Fred Stanton: Let's Talk About Me But Also Listen To A Bit Of Brass Band Music' at 9.30pm this immediately coming Friday on Greater London FM 82-192Mhz will consist of:-

March: Bomb the Fucking French [Tonbridge Tyre Works Band]
Overture: The Syphallitic Nymph [CWS Oodle Town End Band]
Enterlude La Salubrious Coque [Band of the Spanish Inquisition]
Solo: Part Thineself and I Shall Enter Thee [The Stanley Kubrick Band: Soloist Gaynor Feckles]
Og Nog Fermata [Fullsdjiken Fjord Band]
Tantamount Pleasure [Cordley Plain Sailing Band]
Solo: Japanese Fellacio [Soloist: Lyndsey Drifter]
Gaynor's March to the Engorged Breast [Windermere Colliery Band]

Zulu Takes To The Beer!

 

 

Well-respected adjudicator and musical director Hector Zulu has taken on the conductor's role at the Bronsaville Brewery Band.

 

Zulu, 93, told the Bandstand, "This is my last crack of the whip. I will be dead very soon. I'm out of my depth. I don't do this modern self-promotion. I can't say anything about this appointment other than that we will start each rehearsal with 14 hymn tunes. One each for every funeral of my friends what I've had to sit through. Beyond that I'm lost. I really want to retire now, the £40 a rehearsal will certainly come in handy but I really just want to put my feet up".

 

Bronsaville Brewery Band president Arthur Pendragon said, "To have someone of Hector's stature and experience is simply sensational! He has done everything there is to do in brass banding, been there and done it all, and bought all the t-shirts! Coupled with our young and dynamic team this could be the start of something really special! To our local rivals I would say fuck you all and maybe promotion for us is now a foregone conclusion so stick that up your pipe!"

St. Laringitis Carol Success

The St. Laringitis Band from the deepest, darkest southwest of England have just completed a carolling marathon in aid of a local hospice.

They have spent the last 72 days on a non-stop carolling operation that has raised £37.42 for the Lamenting Labrador Dog Hospice.

Treasurer Mary O'Hoolohan said, "The operation mainly centred on gatecrashing posh pubs in the local area and annoying people who were simply out for a quiet meal with their loved ones, annoying them with badly played carols and then badgering them into handing over money they can ill-afford to lose! We calculate that we must of laiked O Come All Ye Faithful about 3,500 times!"

"We had a mixed response. A lot of people simply told us to fuck off but others were eagerly pushing as much as 50p into our collecting boxes!"

Thatcher Launches Colliery Band Apology!

Former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has announced that she is apologising for her colliery band fiasco of the 1980's.

Thatcher told the Bandstand, "When we sat down in cabinet back in the 1980's we faced some very difficult decisions. Near the top of the list was the fact that colliery brass bands were not being as successful as they ought to have been. Norman Lemont had told us that the last time a proper colliery band had won the Staveley Challenge Trophy was way back in 1924. We were all shocked!"

"We knew as a cabinet what must be done. We had to shut as many collieries as possible to give the players in those bands even more time to improve their playing. We could have done with the coal, we needed the coal, but we decided to buy our coal off of the Germans and Chinese and allow our colliery bands a bit of time off from digging stuff up to sort themselves out and try and win something".

When pressed by the Bandstand Lady Thatcher said, "Of course it wasn't popular, we can all see that now. Arthur Scargill strutted his stuff, shouting and screaming, we were under pressure. We were sending the police in to beat people up indiscriminately. Then Norman Tebbit said, "You know what, I bet Arthur Scargill's never played top man with a colliery band. I bet he's never been that colliery Band Manager who's had to beg, steal or borrow to fill his band for a park job. That was it, Scargill had to go, he was standing in the way of the development of colliery bands in this country, we passed his details on to Special Branch and they removed him. He wasn't happy but then he always wore a suit and a baseball cap. I wouldn't trust that, would you? A suit with a baseball cap...and a megaphone?"

"Anyway, thanks to those difficult decisions we took back then, colliery bands have been able to make slightly successful movies about themselves culminating in even more related stage shows for less-able bands and a success conveyor belt for colliery bands that we created".

"Looking back on it now the decisions we took reinvigorated colliery banding. Without those difficult and unpopular decisions we took in the 80's we would never have been able to see a working class miner who dressed as a clown part-time hang himself on the silver screen whilst weeping over his father who was dying of mine cancer. Without that cabinet meeting there would of been none of this! It was those difficult decisions we took back then that have seen that have sent colliery bands into their heyday!"

Bandstand Registry Survey Results

As you all won't know because we did it behind your backs, is that the Bandstand commissioned a survey of all the brass bands in the UK to get their feedback about the ongoing Registry debate. There is of course a general apathy that plagues the banding movement but of the few who did respond, the official results (and Malcolm has counted them three times so it must be right) is:-

2%
See an opportunity to make money out of brass banding by creating their own Pay-per-View Registry.

3%
Are pompous people who go on banding forums spouting their opinions on this, that and the other. They are better at Googling than us and look down on us. They tell us the precise route brass banding should follow with the Registry if anyone could be bothered, but can't be bothered themselves. All they want is to get off their chests the fact that they are better at Googling stuff than us.

95%
Not bothered. The vast majority only go to an Area Contest because somebody tells them they have to go. They will either be presented with a new (or possibly the same) registration card and told to go to the Area Contest next year, in which case they will be there, or nothing will happen, they will be told nothing, and they won't be there.

It should make troubled viewing for any of the many parties who are trying to force Registration on brass banding in whatever form. With 95% against whatever anybody does, even if they aren't really against it, they just can't be bothered, we can whip this up into even more of a frenzy.

There are rocky waters ahead.

Death of Maisie Tutterthwaite

The Bandstand has been informed of the death of Maisie Tutterthwaite. The formidable woman made her name backstage at the Larkshire Area Contests where she would famously hit anyone who tried to warm up backstage over the head with a rolling pin.

She later went on to become an administrator of the Larkshire Schools Youth Band, where she rose to the position of Principal Nose-Poker-Inner and Child Bollocker. She has made many a young brass players early lives a misery. She will be sorely missed.

She died on Tuesday whilst decorating the Christmas tree at home. Whilst trying to position the fairy on top, the stepladder slipped and she fell face-first onto the tree. The top of the tree pierced her jaw and went through the back of her head, causing irreversible traumas.

Husband Norman Tutterthwaite told the Bandstand, "It's what she would of wanted. She looked so beautiful impaled on the tree, with the lights flickering and all that. There's still some of her blood on my baubles!"

Did we say she would be sorely missed?

Coventry registration meeting turns ugly!

The official "Registration this is it we'll sort it once and for all" meeting of the Mid-England Division Two Bands at the Sir Launcelot Inn, Coventry, descended into ugly stuff on Sunday. The Bandstand is sickened, yet in a strange way also happy due to potential increased traffic for the site, to report that mounted police had to be called in to beat up and then move on a large group of protesters.

Organiser Clarence Baboolly said, "We arranged this meeting for all who care how the Registry issue will affect Mid-England Division Two bands going forwards. Three people had turned up in order to review a white paper I had personally submitted aimed at resolving the issue!"

What the organisers failed to see was that 90 percent of bandsmen in that area do not understand what is going on, and possibly even more of them don't actually care. Sadly they all rocked up for the meeting on Sunday. Frustrated at their lack of understanding of the key issues, and searching their soles to try and rid themselves of the embarrassment of not being bothered, they stood outside the hotel booing and throwing missiles.

Baboolly told the Bandstand, "They were like moths drawn to a flame, like zombies drawn to an American shopping mall. They seemed to feed off of this communal ignorance and indifference off of each other, the less they all knew or cared about what was happening to the Registry, the angrier they became. Then the mob suddenly became a living, breathing, anti-registration behemoth!"

It was then that mounted police moved in. The crowd of people who were angry at why they did not understand the issues surrounding brass band registration and who also were not really that bothered, were trampled underfoot.

It was a sad day. Whoever is proposing registration rules to the Mid-England Division Two bands will not do so lightly! They will all have to think again, assuming there is more than one of them. It will be a rocky and uncomfortable road for the mid-england barometer is set to high!

More of your Registry letters!

Nobody cares, nobody understands, and still nobody cares. Yet still a few holier-than-thou brass band nose-poker-inners are filling our mailbag about the registry.

"These people fighting over the Registry are doing it simply to make money. Whatever happens it will cost brass bands more money. Money we can ill-afford".
Edna Tallhammer
Contest Secretary - Tollypuddle Martyrs Band

"Hubert Crisp is quite wrong in his assumption about the Registry. What he should of worked out, if he had sat down and given himself the time and stuff, is that I am far more self-righteous and pompous and much better at Googling stuff than what he is!"
Jim Boring-Pompous
The Falling Band

"What this banding registry issue needs is someone to come forth with a proper proposal that will get the support of everybody. I sit at home all day, like most of the people in brass banding, doing nothing about it. However, if someone came forth with a bandwagon that we could quickly jump upon in a lazy and ill-thought out way, then I for one would be there. But where are they? Does nobody care?!"
Jane Tenterhooks
Mildly Fairweather Band

"I agree with Jane Tenterhooks (above). I have vented my spleen for several weeks on this issue and told brass banding exactly what it needs to do. Yet still nobody steps forward to actually do it. Unbelievable!"
Jim Boring-Pompous
The Falling Band

"Surely in this modern age what we live in we could have biometric swipe cards to quickly get through registration? It only needs someone to invest in the technology to set it all up then pass none of those costs onto the bands, 'cos we expect contests to be provided for fuck all. Surely that is the solution!"
Lammy Legrove
Fentons Orthopaedic Slippers Band

"I don't really care. I don't even understand. If I did I wouldn't be bothered".
Most People

Smalldingle takes Turnpike Hot Seat!

The Turnpike Christian Zealots Band has announced the signing of Simon Smalldingle onto the effervescent hot seat of tumultuously molten lava that is top man or, to put it another way, the red hot, pressure-filled cauldron that is principle cornet.

Simon said, "The Turnpike Christian Zealots Band ticked all the boxes. I simply cannot wait to start working with them. It should be quite a relationship. Watch this space!"

Band chair-spokesperson Rodney Seymour said , "Simon ticked all the boxes. We simply cannot wait to start working with him. It should be quite a relationship. Watch this space!"

The Band has suffered recently from their last four top men or women getting bored of shitty lower section contests and leaving within a few months of their appointment. But it seems Simon is here for the long haul.

Simon said, "I am here for the long haul!"

Band chair-spokesperson Rodney Seymour said, "Simon is here for the long haul!"

Radio: Fenton Dooby

Fenton Dooby has announced a new show to take place on Tuesday nights at 9pm on Radio Flushouse. Dooby said, "Upperthong FM have behaved in an amateurish way and I still live under the shadow of Monty Fanshawe's Listen To The Fucking Racket. Well, this is war! I've got a slot on Radio Flushouse at 9pm on Tuesdays that should set the ball proper rolling!"

The inaugural show is one not to miss with a cracking lineup of pensioner-friendly brass band music including:-

March: The Fucking Big Cannon [Band of the Leighton Buzzard Hussars]
Overture: The Rape of the Pharaoh's Wife [Canterbury Cathedral Band]
Systematic Prelude [Brass Band der Ober Gemuitlicht]
Piss Thee Upon Mine Belly [Deuteronomy Brass - soloist Alan Creme-Brulee]
Trance of the Thumbling Trimblers [Porton Down Band]
Ballad of the Lithuanian Chimney Sweep [Makersley Xbox Band]
Might I Finger Thee Midst The Marigolds? [Coco Chanel Band - soloist Aubrey le Coutance]
The Procession of Very Important People [Harrogate Colliery Band]

Christ enters Registry debate!

Christ has entered the ongoing brass band registry debate. In a statement issued to the Bandstand the Son of God said, "To be honest we had hoped to keep my second coming a bit more low profile, keep the believers guessing, if you know what I mean. But me and my dad have been watching brass banding make such a fuck up of this registration thing that we simply had to intervene".

Bandsmen will be pleased to hear that a consultation paper has been put together by the Holy Trinity for debate at a forthcoming meeting. Christ explained, "I was worried about how I might get down here to sort it. Typically my dad had left me dangling by the balls and not for the first time. However, Joseph of Aramathea has a Vauxhall Corsa and he gave me a lift to earth to sort this whole fucking mess. I suppose you could say that Mary Magdalene was fucking fuming as we roared out of the drive like something off of Back To The Future, except in a Vauxhall Corsa".

The meeting will take place next Tuesday at 8pm at the Tram Ticklers and Coal Collecters Social Club, Barnsley. Christ said, "We always assumed the second coming of Christ would send the world ballistic, I mean like total madness. We had to be careful, the Devil had been a bit of a cunt in the intervening years but we were prepared to keep our cards close to our chest, bide our time, you know what I mean?"

"Then Dad said, you know what, my son? This is brass banding. Nobody really cares. And out of the few that do care even fewer actually understand these registration issues. If all goes according to plan we can get you down there, sort this painful mess out and get you back up to Heaven before anybody even realises you've even been there. Just don't wear that fucking crown of thorns, dress like a binman from Doncaster. Then we can still save the second coming for a later date".

Then the clouds parted dramatically, angels sang then things got a bit more sinister. It was God, and he told the Bandstand exclusively in a big, deep, boomy voice, "If brass banding fails to heed the words of my son then they might end up with two different registration systems. They should have one registration system. If they end up with two then I will show my anger, probably with an earthquake in China or the Middle East. You have been warned!"

Kuntsgruppe Zwei to headline Puntlins

Organisers of the upcoming Puntlins Holiday Camps Contest at their Frogmorton-on-Sea resort have announced details of the entertainment for the Saturday night.

Headlining at 9pm in the Lewis Hamilton Ballroom will be crazy German oompah sensation Kuntsgruppe Zwei. The Bavarian lunatics promise a corking night of Germanic bravado including their famous seven-foot "kuntswurst", or "cunt sausage". It will be something like £8 to gain entry.

Meanwhile, over in the Joe Longthorn Theatre, acts will include a slightly inebriated Bobby Davro fluffing magic and impressions, Sue Pollard off of Hi-de-Hi performing her new erotic one-woman show "How much can I fit inside myself?"and a Rod Hull and Emu tribute act.

Puntlins Director of Entertainments Miriam Fourknockers said, "This should prove that Puntlins is the place to be!"

Courbousier Appoint Tredwell

The Courbousier Aeroflot Band has announced the immediate appointment of the vastly-experienced Norman Tredwell as musical director.

Courbousier Director of Communications Colin le Beouf, told the Bandstand, "The Courbousier Aeroflot Band is excited to announce the immediate, so we're not fucking about, it's immediate, do you get that? He's going nowhere else, he's immediately associated with us, erm..appointment of the vastly-experienced Norman Tredwell as immediate musical director".

Tredwell told the Bandstand, "It's true, I am immediately associated with the Courbousier Aeroflot Band....again. People will know I have been associated with many bands over the years and you sometimes have to sit down try to pick your best. What I do is run with whoever is prepared to continue paying me. So I can say quite categorically that whatever I have done in the past, including all the other famous bands I have conducted, the Courbousier Aeroflot Band has always held a very special place in my heart. Their back catalogue is second-to-none and their work ethic really suits my own, none of us can make Friday nights! But, joking aside, it is almost like I have returned home, until a more financially viable opportunity appears!"

Colin le Beouf rang us later to tell us he had forgotten to mention the conductor they had sacked in order to get Tredwell in. He said, "We would like to thank Ashley Comeuppance for his work with the band over the last ten years. Hopefully, Norman Tredwell will do a better job".

Singley Sign Token Black Man!

The Singley-on-the-Wold Band has announced that they have signed a stereotypical black man.

Band chairperson Margaret Clements said, "It all started with that dreadful business at the Marston Moor Contest. We will state categorically as a band, going on the record and all that, that what Mason Maudsley and Maudsley Mason did at that event was shocking, obscene and vile".

"However, we also know that all that stuff blew up because of bands being old-fashioned, that was all. Then we had a committee meeting and decided that one man's old-fashioned was another man's racism".

"All of a sudden we looked round and realised that the Singley-on-the-Wold Band was made up of members who were predominantly white. Well, go on then, everybody was white. All of a sudden we weren't just old-fashioned any more, we were racist!"

"To combat this, and to also secure continued funding from the local council, we have signed a stereotypical black man".

Police Warn Recluse May Be At Puntlins

Frogmorton Police have warned bands attending next month's Puntlins Holiday Camps Contest that they have intelligence that suggests the notorious banding kiddy fiddler the Rotherham Recluse may be at the contest.

PC Trevor Hornbeam told the Bandstand, "We understand it is quite likely that the well-known childer tomfiddler and aggravated assault merchant may well be in attendance. We urge all bands to remain vigilant during the weekend of the contests and to report any suspected tomfiddlery".

"However, to be honest, in Frogmorton we aren't really set up to deal with this kind of thing. We only have two part-time Community Support Officers, one pair of handcuffs and a bicycle with a wonky front wheel. However, we will do all we can to ensure a Police presence on site".

Registration UK Draw Battle Lines!

Registration UK, the new organisation hastily put together with little thought in order to interfere in the ongoing registration debate, has drawn its battle lines in the sand.

Chairman Hector Dooley said, "We don't really undertstand what is going on. Indeed, many of our members don't really care. However, it is clear that distinct and clear action is needed, and needed fast. As a result we will be sending a hastily cobbled together questionnaire to every band we can think of asking for their feedback. We believe this is a clear statement of intent on our part to continue meddling needlessly in this rather shabby affair".

Bands are asked to canvass members and return their completed questionnaires by last Wednesday at the latest. Dooley said, "It is vital we get this feedback ahead of our Very Important Strategy Meeting to be held on 12th December at a secret location on the first floor of Cudworth Pigeon Fanciers Social Club".

It should be a cracking tit-for-tat shambles.

Radio: Hark At The Racket

More great music from Monty Fanshawe on Diggle FM this Friday at 9.30pm. This week's shows is a cataclysmic line up of brass banding feculence including:-

March: Are We Here Again? [The Ringtons Tea Band]
Overture: The Frantic Nymph [The Band of the Hurdsley Horseguards]
Helter Skelter [Lancashire Republican Metals Band - soloist Clive Braithwaite]
Theme From Loose Women [Darrowby & District Youth Band]
The Crafty Cockerel [Leyton Orient Big Band]
Sweet Is Thine Undercroft [Remould Tyres Band - soloist Bovington Baggley]
Mass Exodus [Brass Band de Ugsbieker Uhlenbeek]

ISBCR Appoint McGuffin

Staff Sergeant Martin McGuffin CBE has been appointed the new Musical Director of the International Staff Band of Christ the Redeemer. His first task will be to lead the Band in a recording of their new CD, Heavenly Fanfares, this coming weekend.

McGuffin said, "Christ is within us all and we can find him if we are prepared to look deep enough. And if anyone is heavenly enough to stump up £15 for our new CD what comes out early-ish next year, then lo shall they truly find redemption!"

Matador Launch "Fat Flugel"

Matador Musical Instruments have announced the launch of their new "Fat Flugel".

Matador Marketing Director Simon Semples told the Bandstand (amongst all other current advertising formats for brass band suppliers), "Whilst a small number of men have found success on flugel it does remain, typically, a woman's instrument. That may be because flugel parts aren't generally very hard, which means less practice required and more time available to sort out the cooking, cleaning and ironing".

"However, a lot of these girls are, shall we say, plumpers. They are big girls with big fingers. Our boffins over in Seville scratched their heads inbetween siestas and came up with a solution!"

The Bandstand understands that the Matador "Fat Flugel" includes a wider valve block, allowing her fat left hand to grip it more comfortably whilst also providing wider spacing for the valves so the fat fingers of her right hand will fit on all three and still be able to move.

But the real key is the wider bore and flared bell. Simon told us, "The wider bore is to take the extra pressure from her engorged diaphragm. That band of muscle can shit an otter after a day eating fast food so you can imagine the power when it pushes the other way. The flared bell is to round off the sound. She will have clogged arteries and congealed fat clinging to her skeleton that will put pressure on her airways. The flared bell will round it all off nicely!"

Details (and the unsavoury issue of the cost of all this shit) are available on their website matadormusic.co.espana that is open weekdays 10am-1pm and again at 6pm-2am to comply with Spanish Working Time Directive legislation.

Greybrick Has Haircut!

Self-styled poser, self-publicist and principal cornet with the Peckham Pelmets Band, Chris Greybrick, has had a haircut! In a shock move a hairdresser shaved his well-known mid-length shiny brown locks right down to the scalp, whilst talking vacuously to him about holidays, handbags and I'm a Celebrity.

But Chris urged his army of young brass band groupies not to worry! "It was all for charity!" he said, "and my famous hair will be back as soon as it grows back to the appropriate length!"

Chris was raising money to increase awareness of Swollen Bollock Syndrome, known as SBS, because that's what it's initials are. Chris said, "There's this young lass I'd love to shag what laiks for the Desborough Airfield Band. Her dad had SBS, it was really sad, he had to walk round for six months with his enlarged podsack strapped in a carrier bag outside of his trousers. Anyway, I thought to myself, what better way to get into her panties than to pull a stunt in support of her dad!"

Freckles To Bring Titian To Life!

12 year old composing sensation Jonny Freckles has announced that he is to bring famous artist Titian back to life!

Freckles, who was abused by his father as a child and now has glaucoma what means that he has to wear amber vision glasses all the time, told the Bandstand, "One day at school a bully took my dinner money and hit me repeatedly in the face because, in his words, I didn't know who Titian was! It was that kind of school, I suppose!"

"I went home in tears with low self-esteem and a sudden penchant to self-harm. Then I thought I could Google Titian on my mum and dad's computer and up my knowledge".

"What I saw before me on Google Images was simply staggering. I saw his portrait of Doge Andrea Gritti and was spellbound. The detail, the brushwork, it was immense. Then Google told me it had taken him from 1546 to 1548 to paint it. Lazy Italians!"

"What I wanted to do, almost immediately, was to bring that painting to life through a brass band score, but hopefully nothing like the three years it took him to paint it. And so I composed the test piece Titian Whispers"

"It's a three movement piece that ticks all the boxes of being selected for a lower section Area contest, mainly because it has three movements. The first movement is entitled Search For Paintbrushes, and it encapsulates Titian's search for the perfect paintbrushes to paint his painting. The middle movement is a slow one called Blank Canvas, reflecting Titian looking at it and not really knowing what to do."

"The third movement is called Here's the Picture cos it has taken him three years but he's been on a life journey and has finally arrived within himself and, crucially, finished the picture!"

Dwindly Moor Band Roundabout Flood Trap!

The recent inclement weather has claimed its first banding victim, the Dwindly Moor Silver Band.

The Band were performing their annual Its Still Only November But They've Been Playing Christmas Carols In Shops For Ages Now So Let's Do Some On The Roundabout Concert on the roundabout at the end of the road near the bandroom.

They were just on their 14th verse of O Come All Ye Faithfull when a deluge of flood water arrived from up the valley and washed the roundabout clean away. The Band were left stranded on the last remaining section of the roundabout.

Band Manager Fryer Hammond said, "Thankfully, I couldn't be there in time due to work commitments or I would of been there stranded with them. We are watching them all from the new riverbank near where the Co-op used to be giving whatever support we can. Last night we managed to throw a line across and very carefully get a bottle of valve oil over to them. They are still playing Christmas Carols but at some point it is inevitable that feminine hygiene issues will crop up".

Hammond asked the Bandstand for help but we can't be bothered. We are more interested in them staying there and slowly starting to eat each other in a brass band carolling cannibalism extravaganza that we report on the website.

It should be a cracking local disaster.

Orangina Bid Au Revoir to UK!

Fresh from their unashamedly misapprehended victory at last weekend's Brass Bands Laikin Championship, the Pointneuf Orangina Band bid a fond farewell to the UK tonight with a farewell concert in Dover Band Club before bidding farewell and rushing to catch their ferry.

The Band replayed their winning programme from the contest, to the delight of the Dover hardcore:-

March: Je Suis Desolee
Overture: Fuck You Agincourt
Je Voudrez Votre Chute-du-Merde [soloist Henry-Paul Lecombre]
Le Titty-Bum-Bum du Jardinaire
Mon Dieu! Votre Cock Framboise est Rancide [soloist Emilie du Pompadou]
Le Grande Orgasme du Napoleon et Josephine's Sister

The Band then hurriedly packed their gear away amongst many a fond farewell and some of that stupid kissing on either cheek when what you really want is to slip a cheeky finger in, before dashing off for their ferry home still clutching their Gallic fingers around the now garlic-flavoured famous old trophy.

One thing is for sure, there is certain of our so-called top entertainment bands what will be glad to see the back of them, and that is certainly for certain!

Birds In Ballgowns Set For Upperthong Civic!

Local entrepeneur and promoter Jackson Rigby has announced that Birds In Ballgowns will perform a concert at Upperthong Civic Hall on Saturday 18th May, 2013 at a starting time yet to be confirmed but probably about 7.30pm.

Rigby told the Bandstand, "I know little of them and have not seen them perform live but there are a few grainy videos on YouTube and they look the business. Not only are they fit but they are women who can obviously play brass instruments!"

"Not only that but they wear ball gowns where you can see their shoulders and a fair bit of their tits. I'm just hoping none of them goes menstrual on the date we've agreed, I have asked them all to check their blob calendars to ensure we don't have any fanny-related fuck ups".

Birds In Ballgowns are well-known for providing light-hearted titillation at upper class orchestral events, but have yet to perform within the working class bear pit of your average brass band audience.

Rigby said, "They want a grand off me for the gig. However, the hall seats 100 so at £20 a ticket I should clear another grand at my end if we fill it. It does however rely on me selling 100 tickets at £20 but look at them. I would, wouldn't you?"

Tickets (priced £20 no concessions) are available from "JacksonRigby.com" or from Betty's Independent Stationers, Fall Lane, Upperthong.

Best of Youth for Tuppery!

The Tuppery & Sneedsdale Band may or may not be starting a youth band to carry the torch of the now famous champion band through into the next generation!

Newly-appointed Band Spin Doctor Emily Faberge said, "What we realised was that after our outstanding victory at the Flingthorpe Open there was an upsurge in interest in the Band. Now that interest is starting to die down I must, as Spin Doctor, find ways of continuing to send you news of developments at this thriving, ambitious and successful organisation!"

"What we have decided is that we may form a youth band, because that always strikes a note of resonance within the banding community. It will rely on sponsorship and funding, I mean, who wants to stand around on a Saturday morning teaching kids these days if there isn't some kind of personal reward involved?"

"But, if we can secure the funding we can get this youth band off the ground. We can give something back! However, without the funding, it will be a non-starter. It has never been more important for the local council to heavily subside this venture and I implore them to act now before it is too late!"

More of Your Registry Letters!

Yes indeed, the Bandstand mailbag is positively busting with letters about the Registry debate and, to be honest, whilst they bore us to death, we can see great potential in creating more site traffic adding hopefully to additional advertising revenue. So here is the latest pick of the bunch:-

"Your correspondent Mr. Garstang of Oswestry clearly feels the need to share his ill-informed opinions with the rest of us! He really does make himself look like a proper working-class oaf. He even spelt Registry wrong! Need I say more?"
John Pompous
Rigoletto

"I had only just got over the Maudsley Mason / Mason Maudsley affair which, let's face it, was a beautifully played out, almost brass banding version of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here 'Cos I'm Old Fashioned sort of bonanza for tired looking websites to attract more interest. Then comes along the great Registry debate. I have no solutions, but what I am prepared to say is that whatever anyone else has been saying on here it is a load of hot air!"
Claude Patronus
Whitstable

"As secretary of a non-contesting band I have no interest whatsoever in the Registry debate. However, what really fucks me off is some of the other non-contesting bands who think nothing of bringing in players who are registered with other bands to help them fulfil an engagement in a public park. It is a frankly shoddy practice and should be stopped. Maybe we should introduce registration for park jobs?! Just a thought".
Mavis Justgoe
Secretary, Cheesegate Nab Band

"Oh, how I would like to be in the shoes of your correpondent Morgan Climbers! He suggests a United Kingdom-wide Registry. May I remind him that Scotland already has a fully-functioning Registry that works perfectly well. Leave us alone while we laugh at the shit England and Wales has got itself into!"
Hector McGoogan
The Give Us Our Freedom Brass Ensemble

"Michael Montsaviour is wrong. The Independent Brass Band Registry of Cornwall was formed in 1884 and not in 1885, as he claimed."
Arty Loach
St Winifreds

"Arty Loach is wrong! The Independent Brass Band Registry of Cornwall was formed in the winter of 1883. I should know, it was my father what created it!"
Carlos Lefevre
Bignoldswade

Radio: Fenton Dooby

The tumultuously obese mouth-breather Fenton Dooby has reinvigorated his brass band radio show on Upperthong FM this coming Sunday at 4pm.

Dooby told th'Bandstand, "I thought Monty Fanshawe was dead, much like the band music he plays on his tired old radio show. To see him back in action has prompted me to relaunch my Sunday afternoon show to finally finish him off once and for all and have me crowned king of the brass band airwaves!"

He will kick start his frankly lazy and can't-be-bothered-wanna-get-into-hospital-radio career with a cracking line up of shit that pensioners will long to listen to whilst the Sunday roast is bubbling along nicely in the oven. It will include:-

March: The Doubtful Dodger [Windermere Colliery Band]
Caveat Invicta [Shrewsbury Gardeners Band]
I Shall Gently Cup Thine Muffins [Fetlock Brass - soloist Seamus Lightowler]
The Statue of Aramathrusta [Formby Five Diamonds Band]
Incredible Genocide [Skanky Mittens and her Big Band]
Keep Tugging Mavis, It'll Go Off Soon [Isle of Skye Brass Band - soloist Morag McCudden]
Oh Lesbian, Can I Turn Thee? [Warburtons Crusty Loaf Band]
Theme From Mars Attacks [Lincoln Lacemakers Band]

Clydesdaleshire Arrange Registry Debate

The Clydesdaleshire Area Contest Committe has arranged a meeting to discuss the ongoing Registry debate and to canvass member bands for their feedback.

Committee Commander-in-Chief Digby Fellowes told the Bandstand, "The meeting will take place at The Church of St. Beckham the Martyr in Cochlichty at 7.30pm next Monday next, which is the 26th November".

"It seems that nobody in the Clydesdaleshire area knows what the fuck is going on with registration, so we have arranged this meeting to give them a chance to discuss the fact that none of them know what the fuck is going on. It will help to make the Area Committee look like we have a bit of an idea of what the fuck is going on, but, to be honest, we don't".

Digby revealed, "Their is a general apathy out there but this issue is fundamental to the survival of brass band contesting, apparently. So far we have a fourth section band from Aubermuchty who are sending a representative, and also people coming from two currently non-contesting brass bands who we believe are only coming along to laugh at the state we have gotten ourselves into".

"I therefore call upon all member bands of the Clydesdaleshire Area to send a representative to this hastily arranged and ill-thought out meeting that should give us all a chance to discuss the one issue that nobody really understands or, indeed, cares about".

Hark At The Racket

 

Monty Fanshawe is back this Friday on Diggle FM at 9.30pm. In the aftermath of the Brass Bands Laikin Championship he has vowed a return to traditional brass band fare.

Monty told the Bandstand, "Brass banders, be they audience or player, need the same old shit. It is this tradition of playing tired old music that holds us together as a movement, if you will. So my show this week will be dedicated to the same old music that we, as a movement, always play and listen to!"

Upcoming amongst the tradition, it will exploit:-

March: The Gay Cavalier [Bridgestone Tyre Works Band]
Overture: Claude et Besancon [The Hovis Bread Band]
May I Touch You Midst the Girdle [Fenton Fornicott Band - soloist Minton Platting]
Softly Gently [Torbay Steelworks Band]
Touring the Castle [Carshalton Cartiledges Band]
Rape, Is It a Dirty Word? [Pasadena Ironworks Band - soloist Gemima Gunthwaite]
Stop Norman, My Wife is on Fire [The Band of the Horbury Hussars]

Foreigners Take Brass Bands Laikin Title!

 

This years Brass Bands Laikin Title has been taken by a foreign outfit from across the seas. In a controversial break with tradition the English powerhouses were left wanting as a johnny foreigner waltzed off with £2,500 and the Hector Delacourt Trophy.

 

The atmosphere within the Architectural Carbuncle, Berwick-on-Tweed could not have been more dramatic if we hadn't written it ourselves. Audience and players alike were literally on tenterhooks at the announcement of the results of this contest that nobody really cares about except the bands actually taking part.

 

The question on everybody's lips this year was, "What the fuck do they want?" For this notoriously difficult to call and up-and-down contest may award you first prize for sticking with tradition, or may also award you top prize for going outside the box and doing something new and controversial. The fact that nobody really knows what they want, including the adjudicators, makes for an interesting day's contesting.

 

In the end it was the Pointneuf Orangina Band from France what took the title thanks to an inspired programme that was a bit traditional but also had some new stuff chucked in. They had called it just right with a mix of old and new. We thought it was shit to be honest, but now they have won the contest we can see just what an inspired programme it was and we won't hold back on telling you so!

 

The two English laikin powerhouses, Windermere Colliery and Emley Potatoe Works, were left licking their wounds. Despite two performances that we loved and ticked all the boxes and couldn't be split by a fag paper, the results were announced and we suddenly realised we were barking up the wrong tree and had to go with the adjudicators and triumph the French contingent.

Bonchance Launches New Website!

Elderby Bonchance has told the Bandstand of his imminent excitement at the imminent launch of his new website! The young composer revealed how he took the important step of creating his own website as the next logical step in getting his music heard by as many people as possible.

Elderby said, "It seems like only a couple of terms ago I enrolled on that Brass Band Composition course at Pondsford Technical College. All sorts of ideas started swimming around in my head. Then my parents bought me a new laptop with Sibelius installed. I quickly realised that I was now a fully-fledged brass band composer. The sudden weight of uncertainty resting upon my young shoulders, following in such deep and heavy footsteps, was almost too much to bear, but not quite, I think I'm alright!"

His first composition, Lorenzo With a Bass Beat, was chosen as the set work at the Scandinavian Division Three Championship Title Challenge at the Ulrika Jonnsen Hall, Trondheim last year. He has since become notorious for taking well-known banding melodies that are part of our heritage and rearranging them with a rock beat on top.

His upcoming work is Contest Music Hip Hop, in which he will rip off established brass band writing and add a new "flava" on top.

Elderby said, "I seem to have become stereotyped as someone who doesn't really know what they are doing with Sibelius and chucks old and new together in a cheap charade! Nothing could be further from the truth. My goal is to take brass banding's established roots and challenge it to the core by introducing new rythms and shit over the top of it".

"As Pteredactyl said to Quarterback in Ruben Simsky's 'The Diversion', 'Only when you mix young and old together will you truly be young, and old'"

The new website (bonchance-music.com) will be up and running as soon as his parents pay the bill.

New Faces at Pont-du-Clare

The Pont-du-Clare (Herman's Hermits) Band has announced a trio of new signings ahead of their assault on the Thirlmere Area Contest next March.

Rejoining the band on flugel horn is Emma Forton, who left them three years ago after an administrative bungle over travelling expenses. She said, "It is all water under the bridge now, plus my current band have sacked me, so I relish the chance to renew old friendships and help the Pont-du-Clare Band achieve their goal of regaining the Area title they last won in 1873 and of managing the audiences expectations on the concert platform. It should be a busy time ahead!" she laughed, callously.

Also joining the band are Marianne Trebthwaite on baritone, who nobody has ever heard of, and Giles Octagon on 2nd cornet who is actually a trumpet player at the local polytechnic and hasn't done brass banding before so they are unable to name the band he has left behind in order to join them.

Band chairman Peter Fresnau said, "We are totally excited at this trio of new signings. It follows on from our goal of only signing players who wish to sign for us. There are exciting times ahead once more at Pont-du-Clare and I urge nobody to underestimate us!"