Friday, 4 January 2013

Lightning Strikes at Bispham!

Petty Officer Derek Lightning has been appointed the new Musical Director of the Bispham Sea Scouts Bugle Band.

Band representative Marjorie Deneuve told the Bandstand, "Derek brings with him an absolute wealth of sea-faring experience. For several years he was the curator of the Fylde Maritime & Lighthouse Museum. In 1988 he was accused of inappropriately touching a young girl at the venue and went on to become only the 17th person on earth to cross the paddling pool of the North Shore Claridges Hotel on a half-inflated lilo whilst wearing pyjamas!"

Lightning said, "This is a Sea Scouts Bugle Band. Are we in the right place?"

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Radio: Let's Talk About Me, etc.

Major General Fred Stanton says Bah Humbug to turkey and mistletoe and painful encounters with members of the family that you don't really like, as he looks to wash our Christmas memories away with his radio show "Let's Talk About Me But Also Listen To Some Brass Band Music Along The Way" upon Radio London at 9.30pm this Friday.

Stanton told the Bandstand, "Our family is having a super Christmas at our holiday home on the shore of Lake Garda, what is in a very glamorous part of Italy. My son is here along with my extremely attractive daughter-in-law-to-be. The Christmas crackers, what me and the wife bought from Harrods in October, was exceptional. One of them had a diamond in! But that is Christmas on Lake Garda! We will spend a few more days on Lake Garda but thankfully I have pre-recorded this Friday's radio show. I must put the phone down now since my daughter-in-law-to-be is skinny dipping in the lake and my wife and son are holed-up in the very expansive holiday home we own on Lake Garda discussing the pain that was caused to both of them whilst I was off overseas on service with various military bands. I may now swim out and try to finger her".

What Stanton also told us was also that this Friday's show will also comprise of:-

March: We Fired a Shell At Them and Now They Are Dead [Taunton Snow Shovels Band]
Overture: Gilles du Compt d'Agincourt [The Band of the Leicester Lifeguards]
Tinkerin' Tombells [Clutterspinge Colliery Band]
Dry Penetration [St. Herbert-on-Sea Padstow Spinakers Band - soloist Norbert von Creme]
The Legend of Arngeir the Viking [Brass Band Hauksbok Bjorngolf]
Cornet Cumfluffance [Hovis Bread Band]
Hold My Hand, You Slag [Jewcock Village Band: Soloist Tracey Titterluster]
Barnsley Apocalypse [Cudworth Engineering Band]

Chonbibbly Buck the Trend!

The Chonbibbly (Consierge Exocet Missiles) Band have bucked the trend by announcing that they will not, no way, not even never, be starting a youth band.

Band manager Giles Limberg said, "It is very popular these days for brass bands to launch a youth band. We all want to continually bombard the movement with positive spin and PR, and embracing the average elderley brass band concert punter and band supporter with news of embracing kids (but not in a dodgy way, like we did in the past) is seen as a way of endearing us to these people. However, we have decided that a youth band is not the way forward".

"We have found that brass banding is full of expensive cheats and charlatans who fail to deliver on their promises and simply do not justify the money lavished upon them. Our last harvest festival raised £173.44 and we took all the stuff ourselves. I suppose we are lucky in that Alan on Eb bass is a good gardener and brought a load of veg and Jean on third cornet is an excellent baker so we had the pies and flapjacks".

"Two months later a bloke arrived on the scene who said he would take us to the Area Contest and we would most likely win with him, but it would cost us £200 cash-in-hand. We went with him and came 10th. Even with the £173.44 we raised at the harvest festival we were still £26.56 out of pocket. And that's only because the band all walked the 34 miles to the contest so we didn't have to book a bus".

"Starting up a youth band would only open us up to more money-grabbing thieves. It ain't gonna happen. Not on my watch".

Trappings of Success for Clayton!

The Clayton Fylingdales Band have announced the appointment of the young-ish but still vastly experienced Simon Trappings as musical director.

Band spokeswheel Brian Pendragon said, "He was the only applicant. We are all very excited that he will now be standing in front of the band at next year's Whitby & District Area Contest. Hopefully we will finally be able to push the Robins Hood Bay Band, who have qualified from our Area for the last 87 years virtually unchallenged".

Trappings said, "I left University with a conducting degree and set myself some life goals, so as to pace my progression to the unltimate goal. Whilst I have waited almost 10 years for my first conducting job, despite applying for countless of them, a job like this was ironically first on my list! This is definitely my first step on the banding property ladder and I am countlessly excited!"

Win In Our Christmas Quiz!

If you is stuffed with turkey and mistletoe now and has had literally your Good King Wenceslas-Last drink of the festive season like what we and Malcolm are then you is in luck! For you can win big in our Ainley Top Bandstand Christmas Quiz!

We have up for grabs a bottle of Banana Flavour Valve Oil worth £3.50 from our friends at Pratt & Witney and their new Fruits of the World Organic Valve Oil Range. They are anxious to point out that their valve oil is highly toxic and should not be treated like a fruit drink. This potentially-fatal-if-ingested-directly liquid is also available in Strawberry, Kiwi Fruit, Mango and Slops of the Forest flavours.

We are also putting up for grabs a real banana and a photograph of the Leighton Buzzard Band circa 1929 in a slightly damaged frame.

To win this spectacular prize pot just give us the name of the winning conductor at this year's St. Mingus Shield Contest.

Because we are desperate for people to get in touch we will give clues, amongst the following of which will be:-

1. He (or she) conducted the winning band at that contest, hence the answer required
2. He was married to a Japanese cornettist briefly before a hastily-arranged divorce after he was shopped for having ulterior liaisons with that 17-year-old horn player from the Dewsbury Drifters Band
3. He was banned from adjudicating in the mid-1990's for being caught masturbating in the box at the 1994 Shrewsbury Invitational.

If you know who he, or even she, okay its not a she, is, then simply contact us through the usual channels within an hour.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Housing Estate Trapped By Carolling Band!

A housing estate in Bincaster has been trapped by a carolling band that refuses to move unless residents put money in their bucket. The Bincaster Temperance Band first set up camp last Tuesday and haven't moved since.

Estate resident Mike Clumber said, "It all started last Tuesday. They came onto the estate playing carols. It was a bit of fun at first, we brought the kids to the front door to laugh at people grovelling for money. Then they came back on Wednesday, then again on Thursday. Then they did Friday and stayed for the weekend and it's still going on this week. I can't get to work now unless I stop at their carolling corden and put yet another pound coin in their bucket".

Local Councillor Dermont Senior said, "This brass band moved in over a week ago and haven't left. They are still grovelling for money and the residents on that estate are now officially trapped. They cannot move in or out of their homes without putting something into this brass band's collecting bucket. Frankly, they are sick of it, they have suffered too much. We will be holding a council meeting in the New Year where we will discuss moving this brass band on".

Neighbourhood Watch spokesman Nigel Leghorn said, "If it was starving kids in Africa or soldiers coming back from Afghanistan with limbs missing, folk could understand it. But all these fuckers want is to fleece us for every penny we've got so they can blow it on an expensive idiot to take them to the next Area contest. We are all trying to do something for the greater good but these brass banders just want to collect their own selfish money to waste upon themselves as they see fit."

It could be a long-running siege.

Armed Police raid on English Banding Registry

The Greater Trumptonshire Police have carried out an armed raid on the premises of the English Banding Registry. The raid took place very early this morning, initially at the wrong address, what turned out to be a Chinese takeaway, but eventually at the correct Registry premises.

An elderley woman, thought to be 82-year-old Peggy Pawson, who has single-handedly run the registry voluntarily and without complaint for the last 40-odd years, was forcibly restrained before being manhandled out of the building and bundled into a waiting Police van.

Chief Inspector Giles Golightly told the Bandstand, "It appears that the suspect has run this particular establishment for 40 years or so in a very efficient and curteous manner and also voluntarily. However, in the modern world that is not good enough. The banding media began circulating rumours that once, earlier this year, she might of forgotten to do something. Worse still, it was alleged that a stapler may have gone missing along with several other sundry office items. Even worstist is the fact that she may never have used the computer that was provided for her in 1993, perhaps because she was confused by it. It is common in such cases for the computer to be traded in at the myriad of pawn brokers springing up on every high street so that the elderley lady involved can afford a pair of those zip up slipper boots to keep her feet warm through the winter".

Scenes of Crime Officers (or SOCO to those of you who watch crime dramas regularly) spent what must of been a good hour on site sifting through stuff. Eventually Chief Inspector Golightly said, "I can now confirm that we have not found the computer with which the suspect was allegedly provided with in 1993. If the alleged computer was there in 1993 then it is certainly not there now. If it was there in 1993, and I can't say if it was or not, but if it was, it may have been stolen sometime during the intervening years. Also, office records show discrepancies between the number of staples used between 1991 and 2007, as well as the possibility that a full pack of A4 paper has gone missing. An 82-year-old woman has been taken into custody and will be interviewed in the morning".

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Radio: Hark At The Racket

Undeterred by the launch of Major General Fred Stanton's new show, the irrepresible Monty Fanshawe has announced the latest line-up for his competing radio show this coming Friday at 9.30pm on Diggle FM. The show amounts to:-

March: The Great Big Bomb [Pontefract Cokeworks Band]
Overture: The Giddy Jewish Virgin [Masons Marrowfat Peas Band]
Tales of Ugbor the Remarkable [Brass Band der Oder Lomskirk]
Please Shave Your Fanny, My Sweetheart [Tower Hamlets Band: soloist Otto Gunganwe]
Venom of the Chinese Viper [Massed Bands of the Cotswolds]
Theme from Batfink [Dunstons Dining Room Tables Band]
The Troublesome Trout [CWS Narcliffe Band: soloist Michael Fleischer]
Songs of the Winds of the Arctic Circle [De Lorean Cars Band]

Brass Band Aid Launch Malawi Trombone School

Brass Band Aid, the charity that saw hundreds of brass bands club together earlier this year to raise over £250,000 for charity has finally achieved its objective. The money has enabled the charity to build a Trombone School in Malawi.

Trustee Mitchell Laymore said, "The school will provide free tuition in wearing crisply pressed cotton trousers and knocking out a few unrecognisable tunes on trombone. It will make such a huge difference to the people of Malawi, who were desperately short of trouser discipline and brass playing ability. We cannot thank all the bands what helped us achieve our goal enough!"

Chief of Malawi's Uteke Um-Bongo tribe, Mboto Mbanda, said, "We were hoping for a well with clear running water, or at least a flushing toilet. Now we get a trouser and trombone school".

Mitchell Laymore said, "Next year we will call on those same brass bands to pull together to raise another £250,000! This will go towards setting up the first  ever Malawi National Brass Band Championship with a separate award for smartest trousers!"

Enter Area at your peril say BERBB!

The British English Registry of Brass Bands has warned bands to enter their Area contests at their peril. Armed with their new, hastily designed logo, the organisation, it seems, is set for some serious sabre rattling.

Chairdrone Arthur Trowell said, "Bands should not enter their Area contests at the behest of the EBR or the RE. If they disagree with any of this stuff that has not been properly explained to them and which, as a consequence, they do not understand, then we urge them not to enter their Area contests".

"As we speak the BERBB is looking into setting up their own Area contests. Not only that but we hope to hold the National Final in outer space! We are going to be bidding for the moon on Ebay and are also applying for Arts Council funding to cover the cost of rockets, space suits and stuff for the winning bands!"

"We urge all bands not to enter their current Area contests until we have been given a chance to formalise our Moon Contest Finals proposal!"

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Beige for Japan!

Systematically self-promoting young euphonium legend Gary Beige has announced that he will spend the New Year in Japan.

Beige has been invited to spend New Years Eve with the Matagishi Manga Band of Tokyo, at which he will perform two pieces at their New Years Eve concert in Tokyo bandclub.

Beige told the Bandstand, "Christmas is all about family. I like to think back to my working class roots on that council estate in Oswestry. To spend Christmas with your family is priceless. However, I have the chance to fly all-expenses-paid to Japan for New Years and get some good promotional stuff onto my website out of it. The family can fuck themselves, I'm off to Japan".

"To wake up on New Years day and look out of my hotel window over the roof of the Taj Mahal to the snowy peak of Mount Kilimanjaro will be a life-changing yet humbling experience!"

"However, my army of fans in the UK needn't worry. I can confirm that I will be back home competing at the Areas, assuming all registration issues have been sorted out!"

Puntlins issue rape and kiddy fiddling warning

Organisers of the forthcoming Puntlins Bands in Concert event at the Puntlins resort at Frogmorton-on-Sea have issued a hard-hitting warning about potential rape and kiddy fiddling on site.

Puntlins Director of Communications, Peter Hasgood, said, "We are running a weekend-long brass band contest on a holiday camp. We realise it is quite likely that rape and child abuse will take place. Up until now the brass band movement has managed to keep all this sort of stuff quiet, sweep it under the carpet with a stiff upper lip. In fact some of our leading lights in banding are only there because brass banding as a movement ignored rape and paedophilia or because the victims daren't report it. Some of them have to openly flog their new CD's whilst feeling slightly guilty about what sex crimes they did in the past and the lives they ruined. However, the world has changed now. Nowadays you only have to touch a female student inappropriately and the News of the World is running on overtime".

"So we are warning young girls coming to the contest that they may be raped and or kiddy fiddled, depending on their age. The poster sums it up. What it says is if that happens to you at Puntlins then we have already warned you about it and can be held in no way responsible, legally".

Women Bandroom Parking Issue!

A study by the University of Cartworth Moor has revealed that the average female player struggles to park in their bandroom car park.

Lay-Professor of Female Parking Studies Professor Sam Tippett said, "Bandroom car parks are notoriously short of space. Most of them are not fit for purpose and simply cannot accommodate the number of cars bands would be expecting on a successful night. In the study we carried out over three months we have seen some shocking parking by birds outside the bandroom."

In one case the team saw a space wide enough for two double decker buses laid end-to-end but, because she was reversing in, she managed to somehow turn sideways on and effectively wedge herself between the parked vehicles. Lay-Professor Tippett said, "Getting out of her car you'd have thought she'd have spotted the shit parking but she simply took her flugel horn out of the boot that she could only just open wide enough because of backing up sideways too far on to the car alongside her, and waltzed into the bandroom without a care in the world, probably still day-dreaming about the shoes and handbags she had been shown on Loose Women earlier that day".

In another case the team monitored a space alongside a bandroom that was perfect to reverse park a large vehicle into. Tippett told the Bandstand, "This splitarse rolled up in a little Japanese hatchback. She stopped alongside the space and thought for a while, checking her makeup in the mirror and reapplying her mascara whilst drivers behind were honking their horns. Then she decided to leave the space alone and go and park three quarters of a mile away and walk to band."

But what is the solution? Lay-Professor Tippett has the answer. "If brass bands are serious about welcoming female members, they will have to make their car parks a lot larger to accommodate the poorly thought out and inconsiderate parking that goes along with it".

St. Waylands Hoping To Be Hot As Mustard!

The St. Waylands Band from Chinnery-on-the-Wold have announced that Colonel Mustard off of Cluedo has been appointed to lead them at next year's Dearneshire Area Contest.

Excited Band Secretary Marjorie Outhwaite told the Bandstand, "To secure the services of Colonel Mustard is absolutely unbelievable. His knowledge of moderately popular board games should set us up nicely for that cunning game of chess that is the average Area Contest!"

"To make him feel at home we have even added our own Miss Scarlett to the team! On 2nd horn! Let's hope he doesn't do her in the Library with his length of lead pipe!"

A bemused Colonel Mustard said, "I have spent the last forty years living in various people's lofts waiting to be brought down into daylight on Christmas Day to save the family from having to talk to each other. But the really galling thing about all this was that the American's changed the name of the game to Clue. Why the fuck would they do that? Cluedo is only two syllables, yet the Americans have to water even that down to one syllable to be able to sell it. That really fucked me off!"

"Anyway, I shall take command of the St. Waylands Band and quite probably catch their Miss Scarlett in the Library and do her over with my length of lead pipe. At least I'll finally be able to empty my Professor Plums!"

Boom! Boom!

Sunday, 16 December 2012

More of your Letters!

From the Marston Dam disaster to the Registry via the Rotherham Recluse this is where we really whip you up into a frenzy by hand-picking only the most controversial letters that should whip up even more site traffic for us and encourage sponsors to strart getting on board! And there's also someone slagging off the Windermere Colliery Band! Go on, keep logging on, it all happens here!

Laughton Verdant should check his facts! If he did he would see that Talulah Hodgkiss guested with the Wrigby Wrought Iron Band in the 1930's. So she almost certainly played with an all-male band before what he claimed was 1953!
Jebson Oldright
I can't stress enough how disappointed I was to be in attendance at the Windermere Colliery Band's recent concert at the St. Plasgo Assembly Halls, Nubert-on-Sea. It was obvious to me and several others amongst the crowd of forty two that a couple of players walked onto the stage with slightly wonky bow ties. One of them, we suspect, wasn't even a member of the band. Yes, my wife and I paid £7.50 to listen to a borrowed player! Then they went on to perform the tired, lame old programme that was clearly advertised on the posters that were up when my wife and I bought our tickets! To say we were disappointed is no longer dramatic enough. I would say hang your heads in shame Winderwere Colliery Band and also we may still sue you if we find a solicitor who will take it on.
Brian & Mary Taunton
St. Saviour-on-the-Well

So here we are again! Brass banding has sold it's soul down the river with the Registry mess we've gotten ourselves into. As a pompous know-it-all I will simply say, I told you so!
Nigel Sayso
Is it true that if I can't be bothered with this Registry thing and don't get myself a registration card from any of them then I won't have to do any more fucking contests?
Gary Player
(Name and Address supplied)
It is very rare that I feel the need to put my thoughts down in writing but, having read your recent Editorial, I finally found the need to send you a letter.
Margaret Mustoe

Last Minute Gift? Congealing has the answer!

If you is stuck for ideas off of what to buy the brass band geek in your family for Christmas then cornet impresario Murdo Congealing has the answer! It is his new solo CD!

Murdo joined forces with the band of what he is currently top man, the Carshalton Corduroy Fabrics Band, to produce this expensive piece of plastic.

Congealing told the Bandstand, "I would like to thank all my friends in the Carshalton Corduroy Fabrics Band for their awesome playing and support throughout the recording! It is safe to say that this should raise all our respective media profiles and also suffice to say that I would not of trusted the recording of this CD with a band other than them! They are simply the best and, also, conveniently, the band of which I am currently principal cornet!"

"It was a bit of a rush job to get it onto your website in time for Christmas and I've only had chance to quickly listen to a couple of the tracks. However, it all sounds good!"

The CD includes:-

Cornet Comeuppance
Festering Boils
The Exciting Swing
Carnival du Hinchliffe Mill
The Outspoken Feminist
Quick Ride on a Portly Chinese Girl
Rumbago Fornication
Ladies In Petticoats
Throttle the Bitch
Nigel Plainduff's Concerto for Cornet
Whoops, Mrs. Wormald
Jingley Jewels
The Jealous Fighter Pilot

Registry Masterclass: Horton Grimbald

The Bandstand is pleased to announce a masterclass on the current and ongoing Registry debate given by none other than well-respected brass band forum nose-poker-inner Horton Grimbald.

Under his online pseudonym of the East Anglian Sailing Boat Merchant, Grimbald has hijacked many an online brass banding thread by pompously talking down to people and claiming to have the solution to every banding problem.

He told the Bandstand, "It is no great surprise that the Registry debate has caused confusion and apathy within the banding movement. Most people still involved with brass banding lead sheltered lives and are slightly backward, perhaps retarded, but in a positive way. Here, I will use my far greater knowledge and intellect to explain exactly what is happening with the Registry so that all shall benefit".

"What the average brass band faces is two, or possibly three, distinct choices. You can continue with the EBR (English Banding Registery) or switch over to the BERBB (British English Registry of Brass Bands). However, do not forget that there is also the RE (Registration England plc)".

"Those bands attending their local Area contests under the BERBB or the RE scheme should be okay, But those attending with EBR cards will not be allowed at the National finals were they to qualify, because they have announced that they will only take cards of either the BERBB or the RE and definitely not the EBR."

"However, if you are attending the Area purely for grading points, i.e. you are shit and have no preconceptions about possibly winning, the EBR would be the way to go. This will still enable you to attend most of the tinpot march contests held throughout the summer, who, in a rather spiteful way, have suddenly clubbed together and said that they will not accept the BERBB or the RE cards at their events and will insist on EBR cards".

"But there is still a very real danger that the BERBB could yet merge with the EBR in an effort to undermine the RE. But the RE are also in talks with the BERBB to possibly agree a communal way forward and screw the EBR".

"And yet the EBR could still align with the RE to put the final nail in the coffin of the BERBB".

"It is all still in the melting pot and I could not blame a commercial website like your own for stirring it up beyond belief. In fact I know that you know that there was some stuff nicked from the EBR offices by disgruntled employees of the BERBB. If I was you I would report it to the Police!"

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Radio: Major General Fred Stanton

Major General Fred Stanton, the perfectly self-promoting brass band media puppet, has announced the launch of a brand new radio show for brass band enthusiasts, whatever they are.

Stanton told the Bandstand, "Move over amateurs! The premier brass band radio show is starting now, but not on provincial radio, this will be on Greater London FM, so it may even influence people from other art forms, including orchestras, of which I am also very experienced and ready for work, should they choose to listen, which I suppose with my name attached they probably will".

"Unlike the amateurish shit we have been forced to listen to so far, this show will be professionally produced, advertised across several musical spheres of influence and, most importantly, bear the logo of Greater London FM. Even more importantly it will be presented by me. My autobiography 'Let's Talk About Me' is still widely available in all good bookshops."

With such a trumpeted opening, Stanton had to nail an absolute barnstormer of a programme and he has certainly not disappointed. The new show entitled 'Major Fred Stanton: Let's Talk About Me But Also Listen To A Bit Of Brass Band Music' at 9.30pm this immediately coming Friday on Greater London FM 82-192Mhz will consist of:-

March: Bomb the Fucking French [Tonbridge Tyre Works Band]
Overture: The Syphallitic Nymph [CWS Oodle Town End Band]
Enterlude La Salubrious Coque [Band of the Spanish Inquisition]
Solo: Part Thineself and I Shall Enter Thee [The Stanley Kubrick Band: Soloist Gaynor Feckles]
Og Nog Fermata [Fullsdjiken Fjord Band]
Tantamount Pleasure [Cordley Plain Sailing Band]
Solo: Japanese Fellacio [Soloist: Lyndsey Drifter]
Gaynor's March to the Engorged Breast [Windermere Colliery Band]

Zulu Takes To The Beer!

Well-respected adjudicator and musical director Hector Zulu has taken on the conductor's role at the Bronsaville Brewery Band.
Zulu, 93, told the Bandstand, "This is my last crack of the whip. I will be dead very soon. I'm out of my depth. I don't do this modern self-promotion. I can't say anything about this appointment other than that we will start each rehearsal with 14 hymn tunes. One each for every funeral of my friends what I've had to sit through. Beyond that I'm lost. I really want to retire now, the £40 a rehearsal will certainly come in handy but I really just want to put my feet up".
Bronsaville Brewery Band president Arthur Pendragon said, "To have someone of Hector's stature and experience is simply sensational! He has done everything there is to do in brass banding, been there and done it all, and bought all the t-shirts! Coupled with our young and dynamic team this could be the start of something really special! To our local rivals I would say fuck you all and maybe promotion for us is now a foregone conclusion so stick that up your pipe!"

St. Laringitis Carol Success

The St. Laringitis Band from the deepest, darkest southwest of England have just completed a carolling marathon in aid of a local hospice.

They have spent the last 72 days on a non-stop carolling operation that has raised £37.42 for the Lamenting Labrador Dog Hospice.

Treasurer Mary O'Hoolohan said, "The operation mainly centred on gatecrashing posh pubs in the local area and annoying people who were simply out for a quiet meal with their loved ones, annoying them with badly played carols and then badgering them into handing over money they can ill-afford to lose! We calculate that we must of laiked O Come All Ye Faithful about 3,500 times!"

"We had a mixed response. A lot of people simply told us to fuck off but others were eagerly pushing as much as 50p into our collecting boxes!"